Why I Became a Sex Coach: The Question That Changed Everything
I Never Planned to Become a Sex Coach
If you'd told me eight years ago that I'd become a sex coach, I would have laughed.
At the time, I was teaching French at a Catholic school. I loved education, I loved helping people learn, and I genuinely thought I'd spend the rest of my career in a classroom. Working in sexuality wasn't something I had ever imagined for myself, let alone something I thought I'd be writing about on the internet one day.
People often ask me how I ended up here. The short answer is that life completely unravelled, I found myself working with a remarkable sex coach after the end of my marriage, and one conversation changed the direction of my life.
Becoming a sex coach was never really about sex for me. It been about and I will will be about one question I'd never been asked before.
Rather than retell the story here, I thought I'd share a short excerpt from my recent interview with Danielle Murnane, where I talk about the experience that ultimately led me to become a sex coach.
Why So Many Women Don't Know What They Want
Looking back now, the hardest part of that conversation with my sex coach was realising I had absolutely no idea what I wanted.
At the time, I was rebuilding my life from the ground up. My marriage had ended overnight, I felt completely betrayed, my future looked completely different to the one I had imagined, and I was trying to make sense of who I was outside the life I'd carefully built. I was consumed with just surviving. What I didn't realise was that there was another layer waiting beneath it all. Somewhere along the way, long before my marriage ended, I had become disconnected from my own desires.
And I don't just mean sexual desire.
I mean everyday desires that shape the way we move through the world. The desire for rest without feeling guilty. The desire for beauty in our homes. The desire to spend a Saturday wandering through a bookstore instead of feeling the need to be productive or squeeze another social commitment into the calendar. The desire to say no to something that drains us, or yes to something that lights us up without needing to justify it.
When I really looked at my life, I realised I had become incredibly skilled at responding to what everyone else needed from me. I was far less practised at recognising what my own body, heart and soul had been asking for all along.
The more women I meet, the more I see that this one of the biggest inheritances of being a "good girl."
You’re Being Asked The Wrong Questions
We ask women all sorts of questions throughout their lives. What do you want to be when you grow up? Do you have a boyfriend? What did you study? What do you do for work? Are you married? Do you have children? We become very practised at answering questions about our achievements, our responsibilities and the roles we play in other people's lives.
But what I've realised, is that we rarely ask women, what do you want?
Not what do you think you should want. Not what would make everyone else happy. Not what feels sensible or responsible. Simply... what do you want?
I was 28 when I was first asked me that question, and I remember sitting there completely stunned. It wasn't that I was hiding the answer from her, I genuinely didn't know. Looking back now, I don't think it was because I lacked desires, I’d simply learnt to bury them after years of having them ignored and shamed.
Sadly, almost every woman I meet shares a similar story. Self abandonement is one of the most common consequences of Good Girl Conditioning. We have learnt to become deeply attuned to the people around us. We notice when someone else is uncomfortable, overwhelmed or in need of support. We become dependable, thoughtful and endlessly capable. From the outside, these qualities are celebrated, and in many ways they deserve to be. But the difficulty arises when our attention becomes so focused on everyone else that we slowly abandon ourselves altogether just like our mothers and grandmothers before them.
When I look back on my own life, I can see how naturally this happened. I grew up in a loving Christian family where generosity, kindness and putting other people first were deeply held values. There is so much about that upbringing I'm genuinely grateful for. At the same time, I also absorbed quieter messages like wanting is bad. Desire often felt like selfishness. Even the word itself carried a subtle sense of guilt.
By the time I was a young adult, I had become incredibly good at meeting expectations. I was an A+ student who worked hard. I cared deeply about people. I ticked all the boxes that suggested I was building a successful and meaningful life including being an amazing wife. What I didn't realise was that beneath all of that competence was a woman who had never really been invited to explore who she was and what she wanted for herself.
The Cost of Being Good
I don't say any of this to criticise the way many of us were raised. My parents loved me deeply, and I know they did the very best they could with the tools they had. There is so much from my upbringing that I treasure. I learnt compassion, generosity, integrity and the importance of caring for other people. Those values continue to shape who I am today. But at the same time, I've come to realise that we also received super damaging message where our value as women depended on us being:
endlessly accommodating.
people-pleasing
always grateful.
easy-going.
selfless.
helpful.
pleasant.
desirable.
small
We learnt to read the room before we learnt to understand our own inner landscape and inner voice. We became experts in anticipating other people's needs, at the expense of being curious about our own.
One of my favourite writers, Glennon Doyle, often speaks about the importance of returning to ourselves, of learning to trust the quiet voice within rather than constantly seeking approval from the world around us. I think that's what my coach was inviting me into all those years ago, although I didn't have the language for it then. She wasn't simply asking what I wanted after my marriage ended, she was asking whether I knew how to hear my own voice at all.
Desire Is Much More Than Sex
People often hear the words sex coach and understandably assume our conversations will always begin and end in the bedroom. Sometimes they do. Much more often, they begin with a woman telling me she can't remember the last time she did something simply because it brought her joy. They begin with someone who hasn't bought herself flowers in years because it feels indulgent. They begin with someone who feels guilty resting, uncomfortable receiving, or unable to answer the simplest question about what would make her feel nourished this week.
Over the years, I've come to believe that desire isn't something that suddenly appears when the bedroom door closes. It's something we either cultivate or abandon in hundreds of tiny moments throughout our everyday lives. Every time we override our intuition because we don't want to inconvenience someone else. Every time we say yes when our whole body wants to say no. Every time we convince ourselves that everyone else's needs are more important than our own. Every time we postpone joy until we believe we've earned it.
Those moments teach us something. They teach us that our desires can wait. They teach us that we’re not worthy and have to earn it. And after years of practising that, is it really surprising that so many women tell me they no longer know who they are or what they want sexually?
Coming Home To Yourself
One of the reasons I feel so incredibly passionate about this work is because I've experienced what happens when we begin turning back towards ourselves with curiosity instead of judgement. It’s not overnight, nor is it a dramatic transformation. But through hundreds of very ordinary moments. Buying the flowers. Learning to rest before burnout forced me to. Moving my body because it felt good rather than because I wanted to change it. Learning to say YES and NO when we mean it. Boundaries. Listening when something felt off instead of immediately talking myself out of it. Allowing beauty to become a resource instead of a luxury. Little by little, I discovered that coming home to myself wasn't one big decision.
It was a practice.
And it still is.
That's why so much of my work today is about creating the conditions where you can begin hearing the woman who has been there all along.
Sometimes that begins with understanding stress and the nervous system.
→ Can Stress Kill Your Sex Drive?
Sometimes it begins with reconnecting to a body that has felt numb for years.
→ Feeling Numb During Sex? Why Women Disconnect From Their Bodies
Sometimes it's discovering that nothing is wrong with your libido at all, and that you've simply never been taught how responsive desire works.
→ Why Don't I Feel Like Sex Anymore?
What Do You Want?
So I'd love to leave you with the same question that has been gently reshaping my own life for the past six years.
You don’t need to answer it immediately.
In fact, if it feels surprisingly difficult, that's completely okay.
Maybe just notice what happens inside you when you hear it.
Do you immediately think about your partner?
Your children?
Your work?
Your responsibilities?
Do you feel guilty?
Do you draw a blank?
Or does something small and almost forgotten quietly begin to stir?
Whatever happens, simply become curious.
And when you're ready, ask yourself...
What do I want?
Not next year.
Not when life finally settles down.
Not once everyone else is okay.
Today.
Because I have a feeling your answer might be the beginning of something far more significant than you realise.
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Ready To Explore That Question Together?
If this article resonated with you, I'd love to invite you into a conversation.
Many of the women who find their way to me aren't looking for someone to tell them who they should become. They're longing for someone to help them uncover who they already are beneath years of people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-sacrifice and quietly putting themselves last.
Through my Body • Eros • Soul framework, I help women rebuild trust in themselves, reconnect with their bodies, explore their desires, and create the conditions where intimacy, pleasure and a genuine sense of aliveness can begin to return.
If you'd like personalised support, book a FREE 45 minute Discovery Call to explore whether one-on-one intimacy coachingis the right fit for you.
Looking for Community?
If you're longing to explore these ideas alongside other women, The Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collectiveis a beautiful place to begin.
Together we explore embodiment, pleasure, creativity, feminine reclamation and what it means to come home to ourselves, one gentle step at a time.
With wilde tenderness,
Sabina Wilde xx
