Reclaiming Pleasure: Healing Shame, Desire & Women's Bodies
My Conversation on the Thank Goddess Podcast
There are some conversations that stay with you long after you've finished recording them.
This was one of those.
When Dani invited me onto the Thank Goddess Podcast, we didn't just talk about sex. We explored the stories so many of us inherited about being women—the beliefs that taught us to disconnect from our bodies, question our desires, and carry shame around something that was never meant to be shameful.
We spoke about purity culture, pleasure, female anatomy, painful sex, body literacy, boundaries, desire and what it truly means to come home to your body.
Whether you grew up in a religious household, were taught to always be the "good girl", or simply realised somewhere along the way that nobody ever really taught you how your body works, I hope this conversation helps you feel a little less alone.
If you've ever found yourself wondering, "Why didn't anyone teach us this?"—this episode is for you.
In this episode, we explore...
Why pleasure is about so much more than sex.
How purity culture continues to shape women's relationship with their bodies.
The truth about virginity and why the hymen cannot tell whether someone has had sex.
Why painful sex has become so normalised—and why it shouldn't be.
What body literacy, enthusiastic consent and empowering sex education could actually look like.
Why so many women struggle to know what they truly want.
The question that completely changed my life after discovering my husband was gay.
Why reconnecting with your body changes far more than your sex life.
Full Podcast Transcript
Origin Story
Wonderful Welcome, Sabina, to the Thank Goddess podcast. I am so excited to have you here. We're gonna be talking about sexuality, our bodies as women, reclaiming that, our desire, our pleasure. But first of all, I think what I'd love to start with is learning a little bit about you and your journey to becoming an integrative sex and intimacy coach. Like, what did that look like for you? I'd love to hear a little bit about that journey, how that unfolded, and what you're doing today. Amazing. Thank you, and thank you for having me on this beautiful podcast.
I am so delighted to be here with you today. Um, it is such a big journey, and I, I, I mean, I have a background in teaching, and so it's very natural that eventually I would sort of come into this space. But in terms of working with sexuality, you know, on the daily, it really stemmed from find- needing a sex coach myself after discovering my husband was gay. So that was, like, the really big catalyst. And, you know, people tell me like, "Why, well, why don't you just go and find, like, a psychologist or someone like that?"
And what I tell people is, like, it's a very different thing when you find out that your partner is gay and hasn't seen you sexually in the same way. And so I was feeling like I needed someone who really understood what it was like to not be desired as a woman and how that really impacts you. So I went and found a sex coach, and no one in my life had ever seen a sex coach, right? It's not something- Hmm, it's not very common ... people talk about. It's not very common. And what I love is I was actually teaching at a Catholic school at the time. And in Australia, we have, um, employee assistance programs, and so I contacted them. And I was like, "I need a sex coach." And they're like, "Oh, we'll give you a therapist." I'm like, "No, no, no, no, a sex coach." And so I ended up with this woman in Sydney who was the first person to brid- to bring the Hitachi, like, massage wand in the '70s to Australia. Oh, wow. So she's like this seve- 67-year-old woman, and she was so beautiful. The Question What Do You Want?
Steiner School Magic
Yeah, I'd love to share. So for those who may not be familiar, Rudolf Steiner education is a really... It's actually growing huge popularity since COVID, so a lot of people are choosing to, as an alternative to the mainstream. Um, it really sees the whole child. So instead of just focusing on the academic, it's about, like, spiritual nourishment. It's about living with the seasons, nature. Uh, my parents, well, my mother particularly, took it to the extreme. So in the first two years of my life she didn't use a vacuum because of artificial noise.
Wow. And so everything's handmade and natural and earthy and, you know, you live with the seasons. So we would have this amazing altar set up and we'd have, you know, in winter we'd have King Winter, who was, my mom had made out of felt, and all these crystals that were like- Oh, wow absorbing the energy of winter. And, you know, you would look forward to the changing of seasons because each season came with new celebrations and festivals. So as a child it was so magical 'cause you lived and moved with the seasons, which is how we should live.
And so you grew up feeling very free because, you know, we weren't seeing adults as all-knowing and children as sponges. It sort of recognized that children are magical and that we can learn from children, that really beautiful symbiotic relationship. So we had a lot of freedom. We were, like, our bodies were really celebrated. They were seen as, like, very natural. Nudity was, like, completely welcome. Like, my mom when I was 10 was wanting to do a big, like, photo shoot sprawled across rocks naked. Wow. My dad was a little bit, "I'm not sure about this." And as part of that, the feminine, like the menstrual cycle was super celebrated. I love that. So... I know, right? Like, we even read a book when we were seven which was a fairy tale kind of story which was basically preparing you for becoming a woman, but in a age-appropriate way. Mm. So I was so enthusiastic. Like, I could not wait to become a woman and have, like, all of that magical mystery stuff, you know, become a part of my life.
Purity Culture Whiplash
Mm. And just as I was approaching my menarch, my parents became full-on, like, fundamental Christians. And so overnight, all of that celebration about the female body, all of the magic and power and, you know, beauty that I had grown up feeling for, for being a woman just vanished. And all of a sudden I got this great sense of shame because, you know, Eve was the one that tempted Adam. So we were now, I was now in this body that was gonna cause other people to sin, and that meant I was bad. Mm. And so it wasn't just the fact that this sexual sin thing became really apparent, even though I was still a young child. Mm. Um, there was also this hierarchy thing of men had all the power and women had virtually none. They were just there to serve. And that was such a contrast because in Steiner education, it's very matriarchal. Women are, are, are the teachers. They lead the communities. They're, they're seen as like the carriers of wisdom because they're the ones like birthing children and creation, all of that. Mm. So it's really respected. And then like overnight going into this, you know- way of being in life where men are the teachers, and the deacons, and all of, all of the power sits with men. And then, you know, you have to just be an obedient wife and daughter. And so that was a shocking change for me. Um- Mm and it led me to feel that I was lesser than, and I'd never felt that. I'd felt that I could do anything as a, as a girl- Mm ... and as a woman growing up. Um, but overnight that, that changed, and I, I felt that for 20 years. I really felt pissed off, honestly, that I had been born into this body, and that I didn't have the same rights or opportunities, um, that I couldn't move through the world with the same ease, um, as men. And it was literally because I'd been born with a vulva and they'd been born with a penis. Mm. And it was as simple as that in the world that I was living in. Mm. It's so interesting.
How The Conversion Happened
And how did th- they decide to become Christian? Like, especially it sounds like your mother was really open, and I love that, you know, she had, like, the crystals and, um- Oh, yeah acknowledging the, the seasons, and you learning about your menstrual cycle. Like, I don't know, that was definitely not my upbringing, and I love that. So how, how did you... Like, I imagine even as a young girl, like, it would've just been just watching your mother go through that transition would have just subconsciously been speaking to you and how you behave as a woman, um, from then on. Yeah. It was so overnight. And when I mean overnight, I mean twen- like, it really was 24 hours overnight. So- Mm ... my mom had been re- they'd gone into a bit of a health phase. They'd sort of moved away from Steiner and were in a very deep, like, Matrix, kind of coming out of Matrix health phase, and she was feeling totally nihilistic, like the way... This is tw- 2002, okay? Mm-hmm. And she was feeling like the way the world was going was so terrible that eventually she'd have to, like, kill us all because that would be the merciful thing to do, and then kill herself. Wow. Like it was- Nihilism ... extreme. Yeah, yeah. She's like, we grew up on land, right? And she was the one if there was a wounded animal, she'd put it out of her misery. Mm-hmm. And that's sort of how she saw her responsibility in the family. Mm-hmm. And she just so happened to walk outside one night, and she was feeling particularly depressed and, you know, hopeless with the way of the world, and she looked up, and she saw this, like, rainbow, like, moonbow. And in that moment she was like, "A god must exist." Mm. The very next day, our neighbors, who were revivalist Christians, which is like a cult, invited her to church. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I always think like if they had been Buddhist- Mm ... or anyone else, you know- Mm-hmm ... maybe they would've gone off on that tangent. Um, but that is exactly how it played out. Wow. Yeah, that's so interesting. And then got baptized, like within a few days they were baptized, speaking in tongues, and like- Wow ... praying Yeah, like right in, like not... Like- Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And so that- Yeah. No, you c- you continue. And I think that's what happens though, because she did the same with Steiner. Like she was- Mm ... just as devoted and fundamental to Steiner, and then that just- Mm moved ac- well, it moved across to health, and then- Mm-hmm ... obviously Christianity as well. So- Mm ... you don't come t- you don't convert to Christianity at 40-something and be like lukewarm. Yeah. You know? Like, you're, you're going to be really invested. Mm. Um, yeah. So that's interesting.
Questioning Faith And Patriarchy
So when- at what point did you start to question these beliefs, or do you feel like you always, like from the beginning you were a bit resistant to it? Yeah, that's... Look, I go- I have journals from that period, and I can see that I did have a relationship with Jesus and God for a few years, you know, between age probably 10 to 12, and then it just dropped away, and I had no spirituality in my life until only about four years ago. Mm. So I was absolutely resistant to everything. I just wanted no part of it. I wouldn't say I was atheist, but I was very agnostic. Mm-hmm. Yeah, like even atheism felt like too much of a belief system. Yeah. Yeah. So. Yeah. So. Yeah. No, I relate to that. I was raised religiously Catholic. Mm. Not... my family wasn't as extreme, but... and I, and I always... I was the same. I had this relationship with Jesus, with Mary. I actually enjoyed going to church, but there was something as I got older where I just wanted nothing to do with... I think I started to see the patriarchy and it, how women were less than, and there was something in me that just... And I became agnostic for a long, long... Like, it was like I threw the baby out with the bathwater. Like, you know, it was, "I don't want any spirituality." Um, and it's been only, yeah, over the past six years or so where I've, like, been reclaiming spirituality for myself. So yeah, I can understand how you kinda wanted nothing to do with it at some point.
Purity Culture Harms
And so what do you think from your experience, like especially contrasting that kind of, uh, religious influence with now your understanding of, like, women's liberation and reclaiming your desires, your body, your sexuality. Like, what do you think some of the dangers are with those religious influences? Because they can, you know, have this whole thing with, like, purity culture as it's called. Like, I remember hearing all this stuff about don't have sex before you're married, and how you feel wrong for doing that. Like yeah, can you talk a bit about what you see as some of the dangers of that? Yeah, I mean, I think the big one is this absolute fear of your own body. Mm. You know, distrust. And, and also taking on that responsibility of other people's actions. So that idea that, well, you've caused them to sin because they've looked at you. So there's no accountability on the man's part, it's all on the woman's. Mm-hmm. And then because you have such a complex relationship with your own body and you aren't taught about your body or pleasure or desire, you then don't have the vocabulary for it. You, I think the implications from a, a consent perspective, a safe sex perspective in, in terms of keeping women out of harm's way and, and really reducing violence is, is so hard to do because they don't learn about pleasure, or they don't learn about they have a choice here either. And because it's all wrapped up in shame, no one can have conversations about it. Mm. And so, like even r- recently I was watching Bridgerton and I was like, "Oh my God, what is playing out here is like what I experienced," except that I was fortunate that I had those first 10 years where my mum was open. But there are a lot of- Can you talk a bit about... 'Cause I haven't watched the show. Yeah. So what, what's the context? So in Bridgerton, they all have to be virgins before they get married. Oh, okay. If you don't, you're a social outcast and no one will... Like, you, you, you basically almost have to leave the ton, which is high society. Okay. And people, modern women watching that who have not grown up in purity culture would be mind-blown. And like- Mm ... it's so shocking. But for me, I'm like, I, I mean, not so much the kissing, 'cause the kissing is almost as bad as the sex in the show. But I, I know that feeling. I have lived that. Mm. And so your... Yeah, we just see it play out with m- more dangerous sexual experiences because they don't have them when they're teenagers where it can be safer, and that happened in my own life was I, I wasn't allowed to date when I was a teenager. Mm. So my first experiences later were, you know, involved a lot more alcohol, were much, much more unsafe than if they'd happened with the cute boy in, you know, year 10. Mm-hmm. If that had been my first kiss rather than being in a nightclub- Yeah ... off my face, you know? And so you do see where we have girls that have grown up in purity culture, much higher instances of STIs, pregnancy, and, um, sexual assault. Mm. So it's, just in that sense, it's so, so sad. And then that lifelong challenge of feeling shame around sex, and guilt- Mm ... has profound implications, and that's what I, you know, I'm really passionate about working with women in, in those spaces- Yeah ... um, well, having lived it myself. Mm. It's so important because I, I, I really relate to the shame and the guilt piece. It's- Mm ... been part of my own journey. Um, and even as someone, I wouldn't say I grew up in like, um, like super religious household. I still held this shame around sex, and even just like enjoying sex. And I had a lot of stuff which I'm like, "Where did this even come from?" And I wonder if it's even generational, and I'm sure I've ha- I've had this conversation with a lot of women that relate to that, that have been brought up in religious households where there is this like undercurrent of shame. Yeah. And it's really hard to, yeah, like just- I mean, even know what's possible truly in regards to pleasure because there is, like, shame is such a low frequency, and to, yeah, weave that in with our pleasure, it just makes things so complicated.
Teaching Pleasure And Consent
And so what do you think, like, with the knowledge that you have today and the work that you do today, like, what do you think should be the message that young girls are receiving? Like, what would you go, if you could go back to your early years pre-sex, like, what would you love to tell yourself today knowing what you do now? Oh, I love this question so much. Mm. My thing is around pleasure. Mm. If it doesn't feel pleasurable, stop. Mm. You know? And if it's not a f*ck yes, it's a no. You know? Yes, yes. And I love that, I wish because I've ... I mean, I wish, I really wish I could go back to teaching. Like, sometimes I wanna go back in the classroom and be like, "Okay, yes, let's not get pregnant and let's not get STIs, but let's talk about it. You know, if it doesn't feel good, just stop. You know, stop. If you don't wanna do it, if it's not a full-bodied f*ck yes, I wanna f*ck, I wanna have sex- Mm just don't." Mm. You know? I, I think about the stories because, you know, I was, because of this whole virginity thing, I was, I felt so late losing my virginity at 19. I, I felt like a- Me too ... freak. You know, like I was the only planet, right? Person- Yeah ... on the planet. I was the last one in my friendship group. I was like, "What's wrong with me?" Yeah, right? But they would tell me their stories of, horrible stories of what would happen at parties, and just to, just for these women to realize, but you don't have to do that. Mm. You know, they think they have to because that's the, it's the cool boy, or there's all these people or girlfriends that have done it, or, or had this- Yeah experience. And it's like, that's, that wasn't a full-bodied yes. No. You know? But so maybe it's a no. Hmm And so, like, the desire piece, because women are taught that sex hurts, is so damaging that they expect it to be painful, so they don't say stop. Hmm. And that's also a big part of it, because our mothers and grandmothers have purported that idea of, "Well, sex is painful." Yeah "You should expect pain." Hmm. And it's like, well, it's painful because, partly because most women are not aroused, especially enough in the beginning, you know, those first few times- Yeah ... their body to do what they're meant to do, so it's actually more comfortable, if not pleasurable. Hmm. So teaching pleasure, in my mind, is just as important as teaching protection- Hmm because it's enabling women, young women to understand, oh, well, if this doesn't feel good, then something's not right here. I need more time or lubrication or, you know, I need some lube, rather than thinking they have to just suck it up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh, yeah. This is so true, and I think every woman can relate to this conversation, right? Like, we aren't taught this, and we just expect, yeah, the pain. I, you know, I think it's such an important piece. Like, mm, you, you really wanna get this message across to the younger girls, don't you? Because it's like it's good to know it now in hindsight, but, like, really this really needs to filter out into the sex education. And I don't know, I don't know if you know much about what is currently taught. I mean, I've been out of school for a long time, but I just remember, like, putting condoms on a banana, talking about, yeah, safe sex practices, and it's, it's missing the mark in a lot of ways. I mean, they're talking about consent now, okay? Okay. Different ... Mu- I mean, I sat in on a sex ed class last year. I was there, part of it. And I really wanted to also, like, have my little, you know, s- pleasure-based sexuality piece in there as well- Hmm ... because that's how we're gonna change things for women. Hmm. Um, and, and men, too, to understand. 'Cause a lot of men also think that women don't like sex. Yeah.
Stop Faking Orgasms
And also, men want to pleasure women. So if we just pretend that we're enjoying it and we don't because we're in pain, it's not- Ugh ... a win-win situation for anyone. No. And if we're faking orgasms, they're never gonna learn, you know, either. And so it's like you're not helping yourself, women. You're not helping the next woman. Like- And again, it's that whole idea of we are ... And I get it, faking an orgasm is easier than just saying stop. Yeah. Right? It gets it over and done. It's being nice. Mm-hmm. And as women, being nice is often the safer option. Mm-hmm. So I'm not shaming any woman that has, you know, faked an orgasm because from a safety perspective and just- Mm making life easier for yourself, it serves a function. It's, you know, it's why women do it. But there's also a lot of women in relationships who just do it forever too. Mm. It's about, you know, c- having those conversations with your partner Mm and, and finding the vocabulary for that so that you don't have to fake it forever and have unpleasurable sex. 'Cause in the end you stop having sex not because you don't wanna have sex, but who wants to have bad sex forever?
Why Women People Please
Mm. Why do you think so many women struggle with speaking up and saying, "I'm not ready," or it could be, you know, they're really into the guy, but they need more time or, um, yeah, they're not lubricated enough or- Yeah maybe it's just too early even in the dating stage, right? And I feel so many women fall into that f- fawning or people pleasing. Mm-hmm. Why do you think that is? I mean, that's how we've been taught from being young girls, you know, from after being toddlers is to be pleasing, to be nice, to make it- to put everyone else's needs first. And then nowhere does that play out more than in the bedroom. Mm. So we're just fulfilling that role we've been taught. And then there's a safety aspect often too, which means that we fall into it even more, especially, you know, in casual sex. So it's, it's really hard when we don't have mentors, you know, or people that we can look up to that have robust healthy, you know, sexual lives to even know there's a different way of doing things.
Clitoris Anatomy Lesson
Mm. And so for me, that's why teaching anatomy, you know, and pleasure anatomy can be so profound because when we understand our bodies and that our bodies actually need time to do their thing. Like, I brought my model today. Oh, yes. Right? And I'm like, "Where's my clitoris?" This is the, like, this is the anatomically correct clitoris. This is an erect clitoris. Okay? Okay. Give us the lesson. And yeah. So what's amazing about this, right, is m- men and women, it's all the same parts, but rearranged differently. Yeah. So if you look closely, this does resemble- Yeah, it does look a little bit- Yeah ... like a penis Because it's the same tissue. Mm-hmm. Now, have you ever heard of men having sex without being aroused? Without an erection? No. No. I have never, ever had sex with a man who's not hard. They wouldn't want to. Yeah. Right? Almost impossible. Haven't thought about it, but yeah, right. Yeah. Yet we have basically like a little mini penis that we constantly have sex unaroused with. Mm. Because women take 20 to 40 minutes- To become aroused. And so when we're aroused, the v- the vagina, it tents, okay? So it opens, which means it can actually take- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm ... the penis. So it's less painful because it has tented- It's tented ... right? All of this, so we've got our outer labia, inner labia, also fills with blood and becomes fuller- Mm-hmm and we start to get the lubrication happening as well. Mm. 20 to 40 minutes. Mm-hmm. Okay? And so part of that profound message I love to teach is that it's all the same parts. I actually brought this little ... I'm not sure if you'll be able to see it. I might, maybe we can share it in the notes. Mm-hmm. But it's from this book, and I would recommend this book to all of your readers, Come As You Are. Come As You Are. No, I haven't heard of that one. Oh, Emily Nagoski is the sex expert, and I feel like if you were just to read one book about intimacy in your life, this is the book. Okay. And so she actually has a diagram, which I have here in my notes, um, that shows, I'm not sure if you can see it, but that we all start off with the exactly the same- Okay, yes body. And then over time it changes, right? Mm-hmm. In our mother's bellies. And so we have literally the same parts reorganized. Yeah, wow. And that is why we need to allow time for women- Mm ... to become fully erect, which is what- Mm-hmm ... the clitoris is here. So that we've got all of the blood going there, which means we've got sensation, we've got the vagina opening, tenting, so that it can then take the penis so it's a m- a lot less painful, and we've got all of that lubrication so there's not that nasty friction.
Pain Bleeding Myths
Because when we hear of, you know, pain during sex, it's often because we're getting tears in the vaginal wall- Mm-hmm ... or down here in the foreship. Yeah. And we hear of bleeding, you know, when the person has sex the first time, it's rarely actually the hymen bleeding because the hymen has very little blood flow. It's also very ste- stretchy, and it's often actually the vaginal wall or the foreship. Mm. And that's happening because the woman is not aroused, she's not ready, and often it's just too rough. Yeah. Mm. That's huge. And so it, uh, it's so huge because you have cultures where they literally come out with the sheet after the f- the wedding night to prove- Mm that she was a virgin- Mm ... with the blood. Mm-hmm. And so for so many women around the world, the first time is just, is violent Mm. A- and subsequent times for a lot of women. Mm. So- Yeah, it's traumatizing ... it's so traumatizing, and that's why if we can teach women about their, you know, their, their pleasure anatomy- Mm then we're understanding, well, my body needs these things to actually be ready for sex- Mm ... rather than just, "Oh, he's ready, so I'll just," you know- Yeah ... take it. Yeah.
Know Your Vulva
Oh my gosh, it's such a huge conversation, and it's- Yeah ... I mean, I was even, I held a women's circle on Friday, and we were just chatting at the end, and one of the girls was like, I don't even know how it came up, but we were talking about yoni, and they're like, "What's a yoni?" And I was like, "Well, it's better than using the word vagina, which means sheath of a sword." Like, and it doesn't even, like, talk about, like most people think vagina is the vulva, and like- Mm ... it just got me thinking, like we as women, we don't even know our anatomy. We haven't been taught properly. No. It's just, like, it's, it's patriarchy 101. Like, we just don't even understand ourselves. Yeah, and when you don't understand yourselves, h- yourself, how can you advocate for yourself? How can you say, "Oh, you know, don't go straight for the clitoris right away." Mm. You know, there's all of this to discover. You know? This is very sensitive. If you go straight here, you're, you're limiting your, your capacity for pleasure right away. Mm. But because we don't even know, because so few women even look at their vulva- Mm ... they don't even know what they look like. Mm. So one of my most, you know, beautiful favorite practices is something called vulva gazing, where you meet your own body. Mm. And it's so beautiful, because so often we, as women, are just outsourcing our experience of pleasure to our partners. Mm. And so we're not even seeing ourselves, and when we are not seeing ourselves, how can we expect others to see us? Mm. You know, if we see ourself with shame or disgust, how can we expect anything different from others? Yeah. And so the biggest part of my work is the self-intimacy part. Yeah, I love that. And then we can talk about orgasm and partner intimacy- Mm ... and all of that. Mm. But it's your relationship with your body first, and, and your desires and needs that matter most. Mm. Yeah, 100%. 100%. And I found, like, for me, sex, uh, has become better the more I've learned to be intimate with myself and love myself and, and even just allow myself to experience, experience more pleasure. So I 100% agree, the work starts within. So I love that you, you mention that.
Heal With Boundaries
And for anyone who's, like, listening to the, this conversation, I'm sure there's many women, maybe they have religious influences or maybe not. Maybe they're just, yeah, they, they don't know their anatomy or they do experience some sort of shame or they, they realize, "Yeah, maybe I'm carrying some trauma about n- saying yes when I really wasn't ready." How do women listening to this conversation start to heal, um, their relationship with their body, sexuality, pleasure, desire? Like, what are some steps they can start to take? Yeah, that is such a beautiful question. One of the really big things is finding your yes and your no. So it's that work around authenticity when it comes to your boundaries, but your voice. And so actually feeling a yes in your body. What does a yes feel like? And for a lot of women, 'cause they've overridden the yes and the no- Mm-hmm ... and just gone straight into it, they don't even know what a yes feels like. Mm-hmm. And we often know what a no feels like, right? But we override it. So we actually have to learn t- to feel a yes, and so a lot of my work is around feeling a yes, feeling a no. But before that, before we even get to that point, actually being able to be with ourselves so that we can even start to feel into our bodies, because so much, so many of us, including myself, live from our head up. Mm. So we actually can't even feel a yes or a no. Yeah. And so one of my most beautiful practices is nonlinear movement, and there's a particular one called move what you're feeling, which is where you put a piece of music on, and you just close your eyes, you drop into your body, and you just feel, like, what is the loudest feeling or sensation in my body right now? And then you move as that feeling. Mm. And then maybe, you know, maybe it's, I don't know, fatigue, so you move as fatigue. And then maybe, oh, this feels silly will come up, or a bit of judgment, so you move as judgment. Mm. And then maybe at some point joy appears, and you move as joy. And the reason this becomes so powerful is you then start to really feel your sensations, which means over time you're able to then feel what a yes feels like, what a no feels like, your actual body and the dialogue happening within yourself. It's very hard for women like me who are so analytical to just straight jump into, "Oh, yes, I feel a yes," and, "Oh, yes, that's a no." But that particular movement practice has completely changed my life- Mm Not trying to change anything, but just being with what is. And so through that process, then you actually start to get connected with yourself. And then over time, you can actually start to learn the vocabulary to say, "Oh, no, this not, not for me." But a big part of that also is the education piece around sex.
Redefining What Sex
Is A lot of people think sex is PIV, penis in vagina. Mm. But sex, we can, like, redefine what sex is. Yeah. It can be kissing. It can be cuddling. It can be a beautiful long massage. Mm. It can be everything we s- we term as foreplay- Mm ... if we change our definition of sex can then fall under that umbrella of sex, which means you can be having a multitude of experiences that are sex instead of just intercourse. Mm. And so that's powerful, too, because so many women feel that the only way to have sex is through penetration. Mm. Yeah, well, that's- And that- ... the conditioning ... it's the conditioning. Yeah, because that's the only form of sex that's valuable to the man, right, in, in our culture- Mm ... is that. Mm. Yeah. So that was, that's a big shift as well is understanding that sex is not just, you know, sexual intercourse. It can be all of these other things. And for me, that was very difficult because of my upbringing to make that shift because so much emphasis had been on losing your virginity- Mm ... as sex. Mm. And then that meant that I didn't think all these other forms were as valuable. Mm. Mm. And I suppose that just, like, enhances, uh, pleasure as well, especially, like, you know, activating, stimulating the, the senses.
Pleasure Changes Life
Mm. And I'd love to talk a bit about pleasure, um, and even, like, as you mentioned in the beginning of the conversation, like, the sex coach asking you, what do you want? And why do you think it's so important for women to reclaim their desire to really get clear on what do they want and, and really opening up to experiencing more pleasure in their life? Uh, why should women prioritize that even or, or put some importance on that? Yeah. So for me, the profound thing about that, when you prioritize your pleasure, it, like, it has a ripple effect into the rest of your life. You can't keep overworking. You can't keep overriding your boundaries, even down to people-pleasing. Like, it literally ripples out into every aspect- Mm ... of your life So, you know, that's evident in my life. Like now I'm here in Vietnam, I am living this lush life that I had been desiring for so long but, you know, put off to buy a piece of land and, like, set up in, in suburbia and all of those things that were not actually what I desired, but that was just following a script. Mm-hmm. And so when you do tap into your desires, it's dangerous because you can then look at your life and go, "I've got these things that society expects of me, but I don't actually want-" Yeah And so women, I think, are scared of that. Mm. Because once you've really, your desires come online, you have choices to make, and sometimes they're difficult. Mm-hmm. But they're worth it. Mm. So I- that's, that's what, for me, working with sexuality is a portal. It's a doorway, but it's like the full life and what- Mm ... that looks like beyond the bedroom that excites me just as much. Mm. Yeah, I agree. And I think, you know, I think so often we think it's just related to the bedroom, like pleasure and, you know, you hear about sex coaching and whatnot, but it ripples out in so many areas. I always think, like, how we express energy in one area is the same how we do everything in life. I can't think of the exact saying. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, like how we do, how we do one thing is how we do- Yeah ... everything. Definitely. You know? So it's like the two are tied together, and I've noticed even a big thing that's been coming up for me personally recently, and it wasn't even something I was conscious of, but um, I've been clearing a lot of blocks around me receiving more. It's like the, I've been getting all these messages that like, you know, pleasure or richness in life wants to come, but there's blocks, like energetic blocks. And cognitively I'm like, "Why would I wanna block pleasure?" Like, why would I not want that? But I think it's not an uncommon story. I think so many of us just like limit how much good is available to us, and like, again, we're following these scripts like you said, like we just think that life is about ticking the boxes and doing what we've been told and being the good girl. And sometimes it's like, yeah, we're just suppressing what truly lights us up, what truly sets our heart on fire, and it might trigger people, it might trigger society when we start to claim that for ourselves. Yeah. And it can trigger our friends and our family- Mm ... you know, when we start to go after these things. And it's not because all of a sudden we become super kinky. And, and maybe that does happen, and that's awesome if that is- ... if it's for you. But it's actually saying, "No, I wanna, I wanna do this thing," or, "I'm going to invest in these things that bring me joy and beauty and love," even though they might be frivolous, for example. Mm. And saying, "That's actually important to me." Mm. And so that can be really challenging for people around us if they have prioritized needs the whole time. Yeah. Or if they prioritize productivity and you're actually going, "Well, actually no, I'm not gonna come to this event 'cause I need to rest." Mm. You know, and, and you actually start to really tap into what, what- What energy do you need to protect so that you can live the life you wanna live? And so that's the thing I have found most challenging about making these changes and pri- pri- reprioritizing certain aspects of my life, is actually having to put boundaries in and go, "I can't, can't keep doing all of these things- Yeah ... and have this beautiful life. It's too much." Mm. Um, and so, so that, that can be really challenging for our friends and family when we start to really, yeah, awaken to what it is that we want and desire in life. Yeah, and I'm just... Something I'm thinking about is, like, sometimes people can think that's selfish, especially if you've always been the, the woman who gives to everyone and puts everyone else's needs before her own. Yeah. I think so many women relate to that. Like- Mm-hmm ... we're just... I know that's me. Um, s- and I see my mom doing it, I see my grandmother. It's like s- I see all the women, like, just overgiving, overdoing, and not really stopping and asking, "Well, what do I want?" Like, "Why are people not bending to my needs?" You know? And I think a, a lot of us feel guilt in, in taking up that much space. Yeah, absolutely. And, and it, of course it can be triggering, you know? Because they have parts of their life that might be unlived, and here you are cla- potentially claiming those parts in your own life. Mm. Um, and so that is a big part of this work. Um, and it is, I think resi- resistance can come up around this. The, "If I do this, who am I gonna be on the other side, and what, and what changes might it..." No, demand is not the right word, but, you know, ask of me. Mm. So yeah, it's, it's powerful and beautiful and, and really life-changing. And yeah, that's, that's why I'm just so overjoyed- Mm ... um, that I, I had that intuitive sense to reach out to a sex coach in my very dark night of the soul- Mm ... rather than just going down traditional therapy- Yeah um, counseling or psychology. It would've been such a different experience. They, they would never have asked me, "What, what do you want?" Mm. You know? And maybe you wouldn't be standing here today, you know, doing it yourself. Yeah. So I love that. Yeah. And so for anyone, you know, who's listening to this conversation, like, what, um... I'm mindful of the time.
Come Home To Body
Like, what is one thing you'd love listeners to take away from today's conversation? What really is singing to your heart right now? The invitation to come home to your body and to have a relationship with your body, and even if that feels scary or too big or so far away because potentially you've been like me and lived all of your life up here, just knowing that it is possible, and that movement practice I shared earlier, honestly for me has been the most foundational change I've made in terms of reconnecting. And just understanding that once you form that connection with yourself, like truly feel at home, then that ripples out into every other aspect of your life, your relation- your intimate relationships, even your relationships with others, the boundaries, the things you say yes and no to. Um, and, and even, and, and what you talked about earlier in terms of receiving, like knowing that you're inherently worthy of receiving rather than feeling that you have to earn it or- Mm be productive or perform for that is just so life-changing. So yeah, coming home to your body is just so beautiful, and that looks different for everyone, obviously, since we're all- Mm-hmm ... on very different journeys- Mm. Yeah, I love that ... in that relationship with ourselves. Mm. It's so important. I think it's just such a big piece of this, um, movement in regards to the feminine, is just reclaiming the body, getting in touch with that, and I think that's the revolution where we're gonna see the ripple effects in the, in the world, you know, even just for Mother Earth herself. It's like it, it starts with us, and I think it starts with us reclaiming, um, the body, as you've mentioned today. I think it's just huge.
Goddess Alignment
Outro And my final question to you, and this is something I ask all my guests on the podcast, um, because you're on the Thank Goddess podcast. This podcast is about awakening, as I call it, goddess consciousness within ourselves and the world at large, and I explain goddess consciousness a lot of what you've spoken about today, you know, listening to our intuition, to our body, our hearts, uh, claiming our desires, living in alignment. So when do you feel most aligned with the goddess or goddess consciousness? Oh, I love that question. You know what? It is, it is still in that practice. It's still in this- ... the dance, in the movement. Mm. In just, just falling into my body literally and just, just being with what is and feeling held by that goddess energy that you're speaking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.
Where To Find Sabina
Mm. And so where can people find you? I'm sure people listening will want to check you out, and I know you have an offer for listeners. So what would you like to share with everyone? So I've got my Instagram, which is @thesabinawilde, so there, and then maybe we can link my website 'cause I have some beautiful blogs, including the article I shared with you. Mm-hmm. Um, and then there's a heap of other articles specific to, like, purity culture as well. Mm. Um, and women's circles and all of this beautiful work I am so passionate about. Mm. Um, plus in July, so what we are in July now, on the 26th of July, which is a Sunday, I'm going to be offering a Come Home to Your Body online session, which is going to be me sharing that practice, um- Amazing that non-linear movement. Yeah. Move what you're feeling. Um, there'll be a little drop-in, and then it'll be sort of like 30 minutes of movement and then a little bit of journaling at the end. So- So what, what date was that again? 26th of July Okay So that's a Sunday, 7:00 PM Sydney/Melbourne time. Okay. So just a couple days after this is released. Yes, yes. So hopefully people are tuning in early. I know. Yeah. But I'm... Depending on how it goes, it might be a- an offering I offer monthly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they can check you out at the socials if they miss it, and then maybe you're running it again at a later date. Oh, amazing. So I will pop all of that in the show notes so people can find you. And yeah, I definitely recommend checking out, uh, your blog for anyone listening because, yeah, you're a beautiful writer by the way, and yeah, I just love, um, everything you shared, just the honesty, the, the, your, just your raw expression. I loved it, and I think so many people can benefit from the beautiful work that you're doing.
Final Thanks
Goodbye So thank you, Sabina, for being here today. I really appreciate you, all your wisdom and knowledge that you've brought here, and just for your honesty and, and just being you essentially and doing this work. I appreciate you. And likewise, Dani. Thank you so much for the invitation to be here and for just sharing, you know, your wisdom and the wisdom of so many women on your podcast. It's so exciting to see this going out into the world and I just, yeah, feel very grateful to be here, so thank you again. Beautiful. And finished.
Join Me Live
Come Home to Your Body
Sunday 26 July
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Ready to Come Home to Yourself?
If this article has stirred something in you, perhaps you've recognised yourself in the stress, the numbness, or the longing to feel more present in your own life, I'd love to support you.
Many of the women I work with arrive believing they need to fix their libido. What we often discover together is something much deeper. Their bodies have been carrying years of stress, people pleasing, grief, perfectionism or self-abandonment, and they're longing for somewhere safe enough to soften.
Through my Body • Eros • Soul framework, I help women rebuild trust in themselves, reconnect with their bodies, explore their desires, and create the conditions where intimacy, pleasure and a genuine sense of aliveness can begin to return.
If you'd like personalised support, book a FREE 45 minute Discovery Call to explore whether one-on-one intimacy coaching is the right fit for you.
Looking for Community?
If you're longing to explore these ideas alongside other women, The Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collectiveis a beautiful place to begin.
Together we explore embodiment, pleasure, creativity, feminine reclamation and what it means to come home to ourselves, one gentle step at a time.
With wilde tenderness,
Sabina Wilde xx
