I’m a firm believer that few things leave a woman questioning herself like not wanting sex anymore.
Perhaps you love your partner, you enjoy being close to them, and you genuinely want to have a sex life you love. But when it comes to actually having sex, you rarely feel interested. You don't find yourself thinking about it, fantasising about it or spontaneously craving it. And even when the opportunity presents itself, your first thought is usually that you'd rather do instead.
Maybe you miss the version of yourself who used to feel sexier, had the energy for it and confidence. Perhaps you find yourself wondering what’s changed, whether you're losing your libido, or whether there's something wrong with you or the relationship. Or maybe you've become so accustomed to not wanting sex that you've stopped questioning it, even though a part of you misses the intimacy, pleasure and connection you once experienced.
I want to start by saying something very important: not feeling in the mood for sex doesn't mean something is wrong with you. You are not broken. Please read that again.
Sexual desire is far more complex than we've traditionally been led to believe. It isn't a switch that automatically turns on when we're in a loving relationship, nor is it something that remains constant throughout our lives.
Our desire is influenced by our bodies, our emotional experiences, our relationships, the quality of our sexual experiences and the circumstances we're living in.
Yep, a lot affects whether you wanna get it on.
And sometimes, what we interpret as a libido problem is actually something else entirely.
Before you start looking for hacks to increase your sex drive, I want to invite you to get curious. Rather than asking yourself, What's wrong with me?, what if you paused for a moment and asked a different question: What might my lack of interest in sex be telling me?
Here are seven things I'd love you to consider if you’re not wanting to have sex anymore.
1. Are You Still Waiting to Feel Spontaneous Desire?
For many women, the expectation is that desire should arrive before anything sexual happens. Just like in the movies (or porn) you should spontaneously feel ready to rip of your clothes and be intimate with a partner with only a moments notice. You should have this unmistakable urge to be intimate at all times. And if those feelings aren't showing up, it's easy to assume you've lost your libido and something is wrong.
As sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski explores in Come As You Are, some people experience spontaneous desire, where interest in sex appears before any particular sexual stimulation or interaction. Others experience responsive desire, where interest develops in response to something pleasurable, such as affectionate touch, kissing, emotional connection or erotic stimulation.
70% of women have responsive desire, yet, in movies and porn almost every woman is portrayed as having spontaneous desire. So it’s no surprise if you have responsive desire (which is soooooo normal) you might think something is wrong.
This distinction matters because if you have a more responsive pattern of desire, you might rarely find yourself spontaneously wanting sex. You might not spend much of your day thinking about sex or feel particularly interested when your partner first initiates. But once you begin connecting, touching or exploring pleasure together, your interest might start to emerge.
Having responsive desire doesn't automatically mean you have a low libido. You might simply be expecting your desire to show up in a way that doesn't reflect how your sexuality actually works.
However, I also want to be careful here. Responsive desire isn't an explanation for every experience of low sexual interest, and it certainly isn't a reason to push yourself into sex you don't want. There's a difference between being open to an experience and feeling obligated to participate in one.
If you'd like to understand these different patterns in more detail, I've explored them in my article on spontaneous and responsive desire.
2. Do You Enjoy the Sex You're Having?
This is one of the most important questions I ask as a Somatic Sexologist & Sex Coach: Do you enjoy the sex you’re having? It's something that often gets overlooked. But think about it for a moment. why would you want more of something if it doesn’t feel good? So, is the sex you’re having worth having (and wanting) in the first place?
If your sexual experiences aren't particularly pleasurable, why would you want more of it? Take a breath. And allow all the self judgement, shame and guilt to wash away. You’re not broken or a terrible partner for not wanting something that doesn’t feel good or isn’t worth having.
Perhaps sex has become predictable or repetitive. Perhaps your partner reaches orgasm but yours isn’t prioritised. Maybe there's an expectation that penetration is the main event, even though that's not necessarily what brings you the most pleasure. Perhaps you're so focused on whether you're doing the right thing, looking attractive or making sure your partner is enjoying themselves that you've become disconnected from your own experience altogether.
For some women, sex has gradually become something they participate in rather than something they actively enjoy. They might love their partner, appreciate the affection and intimacy, and still find that the sexual experience itself doesn't offer much in return.
And this is worth paying attention to.
Desire and pleasure are closely connected, but they're not the same thing. You can experience physical arousal without necessarily wanting sex, and you can want sexual connection without experiencing much physical arousal. You can also have sex that looks perfectly fine from the outside but leaves you feeling underwhelmed, disconnected or even frustrated afterwards.
Emily Nagoski's work has been particularly valuable in shifting the conversation away from treating desire as the only measure of a satisfying sex life. Pleasure matters. The experience itself matters. And if sex isn't giving you something you genuinely enjoy, it makes sense that you might not feel particularly motivated to seek it out.
I'd invite you to consider what sex actually feels like for you.
Ask yourself these five questions:
Do you experience pleasure when you are intimate with your partner(s)?
Do you feel included in the experience?
Are your needs and preferences being considered?
Do you feel free to ask for what you want, change something that isn't working or stop when something doesn't feel good?
What would make sex worth wanting in the first place?
3. Do You Have the Mental and Emotional Space for Sex?
Something I wish we spoke about more openly is how difficult it can be to transition from the demands of everyday life into an experience of intimacy and pleasure.
Think about everything you might carry throughout an ordinary day. Work, household responsibilities, finances, family commitments, appointments, messages, social obligations and the seemingly endless list of things that need your attention. Perhaps you're caring for children, managing a household, supporting a partner or navigating a particularly demanding season of life.
By the time you finally get into bed, the last thing on your mind might be sex. You might simply want to switch off, scroll through your phone, watch something mindless or go to sleep without anybody needing anything else from you.
In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski explores the Dual Control Model of sexual response, which describes how our sexual response is influenced by two systems: the sexual accelerator and the sexual brakes. The accelerator responds to things that our brains interpret as sexually relevant, while the brakes respond to things that make us feel distracted, uncomfortable, stressed or otherwise not receptive to sexual stimulation.
This is a useful way of understanding why desire can be so dependent on context. You might have a very responsive sexual accelerator, but if your brakes are constantly being activated by stress, exhaustion, resentment, time pressure or mental overload, it can be difficult to access sexual interest. I write more about how context affects female sexual desire here.
Sometimes the mental load is so significant that what you actually need is more support, more rest, more space and fewer responsibilities.
Sometimes you need to feel like a person again before you can even begin thinking about yourself as a sexual woman.
I'd encourage you to consider whether your lack of interest in sex is happening in isolation, or whether you've also been feeling disconnected from pleasure in other areas of your life.
Do you find it difficult to relax? Are you constantly thinking about what needs to happen next? When was the last time you did something simply because it felt good, without it needing to be productive or useful? Our sexuality doesn't exist separately from the rest of our lives.
4. Do You Feel Emotionally and Physically Connected to Your Partner?
It's easy to assume that if you love someone, feel committed to them and enjoy spending time together, sexual desire should naturally follow. But emotional intimacy and sexual desire don't always move in the same direction.
You can love your partner deeply and still struggle to feel sexually interested in them. You can have a wonderful relationship in many respects and still experience a disconnect when it comes to intimacy.
Perhaps there's unresolved tension between you. Maybe you've been feeling unheard, unsupported or taken for granted. Perhaps you've slipped into a pattern where most of your interactions revolve around household responsibilities, parenting, work or managing the practicalities of everyday life. You might feel more like housemates, co-parents than lovers or even worse their mother.
For some women, emotional disconnection makes it difficult to feel open to sexual intimacy. They need to feel seen, appreciated, respected and emotionally close before sex feels appealing. For others, desire might be affected by the accumulation of small frustrations, disappointments or resentments that have never really been addressed.
Esther Perel has written extensively about the relationship between intimacy and desire, particularly the idea that closeness doesn't automatically create eroticism. In long-term relationships, we are often navigating two seemingly opposing needs: the desire for security and connection, and the desire for freedom, individuality and novelty. We want to feel close to our partners, but we also need to experience ourselves as individuals with our own identities, interests and desires.
This is one of the reasons I think it's important to look beyond how often you're having sex and consider what your relationship actually feels like outside the bedroom.
Do you feel appreciated? Do you enjoy spending time together? Can you be honest about what you need? Is there room for playfulness, affection and connection that doesn't always have to lead somewhere?
And perhaps most importantly, do you feel like you can show up as yourself in the relationship, including the parts of you that have desires, preferences and boundaries of their own?
5. Do You Feel Pressure or Obligation Around Sex?
Sometimes women don't feel interested in sex because sex has become something they feel they should be doing. They might worry about disappointing their partner, feel guilty about how little sex they're having, or believe that maintaining a healthy relationship means making themselves sexually available even when they aren't particularly interested.
Perhaps you've agreed to sex because you didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. Maybe you've gone along with it because it felt easier than explaining why you weren't in the mood for the 100th time. Or perhaps you've noticed that every time your partner initiates, you immediately feel a sense of pressure because you know that saying no might lead to disappointment, frustration or another difficult conversation.
Over time, sex can begin to feel like an expectation rather than an invitation. And when something that is supposed to be pleasurable starts feeling like an obligation, it's understandable that you might become less interested in it.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel has expressed this beautifully:
"You can force people to have sex, you can never force them to want it."
I think this is such an important distinction. Desire is deeply personal. You cannot manufacture it through guilt, pressure, persuasion or a sense of responsibility towards somebody else.
There needs to be room for you to change your mind, communicate what feels good and say no without feeling that you've done something wrong.
I'd invite you to consider whether you feel genuinely free in your sexual relationship. Can you express what you want without worrying about how your partner will react? Can you say no without feeling guilty? Can you explore intimacy without feeling that it has to lead to penetration, orgasm or anything else?
More often than not, the first step towards a more fulfilling sex life is creating enough safety and freedom to be honest about what you actually want and what you need in intimacy.
6. Has Something Changed in Your Body, Health or Life?
Our sexuality changes throughout our lives, and sometimes a shift in desire is connected to something happening physically or hormonally rather than something within the relationship itself.
Perhaps your desire changed after having a baby. Maybe you've entered perimenopause and noticed changes in your libido, vaginal comfort, sleep or mood. Perhaps you've started taking a new medication, experienced a period of illness, or been navigating changes in your mental health. Sometimes women notice a significant shift in their sexual interest without being able to identify exactly when or why it happened.
Hormonal changes can certainly influence sexual desire, particularly during periods of significant transition such as postpartum recovery and perimenopause. Changes in oestrogen can also affect vaginal tissue, lubrication and comfort during sex. Certain medications, including some antidepressants, can influence sexual desire and arousal, while depression, anxiety, chronic pain and disrupted sleep can also play a role.
And then there are the changes that aren't necessarily medical but can have a profound impact on how we experience ourselves sexually. A difficult pregnancy, a traumatic birth, a significant loss, a change in body image, grief, burnout or a major life transition can all influence our relationship with intimacy and pleasure.
I think it's important not to assume that every change in desire is psychological, just as we shouldn't assume that every change is hormonal. Sometimes several things are happening simultaneously, and understanding the bigger picture is what helps us work out where to begin.
If your desire has changed quite suddenly, you've noticed other physical symptoms, you're experiencing pain or vaginal dryness, or you're concerned about a possible hormonal or medication-related cause, it's worth discussing this with a qualified healthcare professional. You don't need to simply accept changes that are causing you distress, and you certainly don't need to rely on guesswork when there may be something worth investigating.
7. Do You Actually Want More Sex, or Do You Want to Want Sex Worth Having?
I think this might be the most important question in the entire article.
Because sometimes, when women tell me they want their libido back, what they're really expressing is something a little different. They miss feeling connected to their partner. They miss being pursued, flirted with or touched. They miss feeling like a sexual woman. They miss the excitement and anticipation that used to surround intimacy. Or perhaps they feel worried that their lack of interest means something is wrong with their relationship.
And sometimes, they simply feel that they should want sex more often.
It's worth getting curious about where that expectation comes from. Is it something you genuinely want for yourself, or is it something you've absorbed from your partner, your relationship, the culture you grew up in or the messages you've received about what a healthy sex life is supposed to look like?
Esther Perel has spoken about desire as an expression of our individual freedom and autonomy. We can be deeply connected to another person while still needing to remain connected to ourselves, our own preferences and our own sense of wanting. I think this is particularly important for women, many of whom have been conditioned to prioritise other people's needs, sometimes without even realising they're doing it.
You might discover that you do want more sex, but only if it feels more pleasurable, more connected and more aligned with what you actually enjoy. You might realise that you miss feeling desired by your partner more than you miss sex itself. Perhaps you want more affection, more playfulness or more opportunities to explore intimacy without the expectation that it needs to lead somewhere. Or perhaps you discover that you're actually quite content with the amount of sex you're having, but you've been comparing yourself to an idea of what your libido should look like.
All of these are worth exploring.
I'd love you to spend a little time sitting with these questions:
If nobody expected anything from me, would I want more sex?
What do I actually miss about having a more active sex life?
Am I craving sexual pleasure, emotional connection, feeling desired, physical affection or something else?
When I imagine a fulfilling sex life, what does that actually look and feel like for me?
Am I trying to reconnect with my own desire, or am I trying to become the woman I think I'm supposed to be?
There's no right or wrong answer. This is simply an invitation to begin understanding what you genuinely want, what feels good to you and what kind of relationship with your sexuality you'd like to cultivate.
So, What If You Never Feel in the Mood for Sex?
If you've recognised yourself in several of these questions, I hope you can take a moment to soften some of the judgement you might have been carrying around your sexuality.
Perhaps you've spent months or even years wondering why you don't feel interested in sex, questioning your attraction to your partner, comparing yourself to other women or feeling frustrated that you can't seem to get your libido back. Perhaps you've tried to make more effort, schedule date nights, buy new lingerie or introduce something different into the bedroom, only to find that none of it has made much difference.
What I want you to take away from this article is that desire doesn't exist in isolation. It is influenced by so many different aspects of our lives, and understanding what's happening requires us to look beyond the question of how often we're having sex.
Sometimes the answer is learning more about how your desire works. Sometimes it's recognising that the sex you're having isn't particularly pleasurable. Sometimes it's addressing the stress, exhaustion or emotional disconnection that's making intimacy feel like the last thing you have capacity for. Sometimes it's seeking medical support for something happening in your body. And sometimes it's giving yourself permission to acknowledge that you don't actually want the sex you've been trying so hard to make yourself want.
You don't need to force yourself into having more sex. You don't need to compare your libido to somebody else's, and you certainly don't need to treat your sexuality as another area of your life where you're somehow falling short.
Instead, I'd love you to start getting curious about yourself.
What makes you feel good? What helps you feel connected to your body? What do you enjoy? What are you missing? And what might need to change for intimacy to become something you genuinely want to experience?
Your desire isn't something you need to perform for somebody else. It's something you deserve to understand, explore and experience on your own terms.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you've been struggling with your desire, feeling disconnected from your sexuality or wondering how to create a more fulfilling intimate life, this is exactly the kind of work I support women with.
I'm Sabina Wilde, a Somatic Sexologist and Integrative Sex Coach, and I help women explore their relationship with desire, pleasure, intimacy and their bodies. Through our work together, we can begin to understand what's influencing your experience, explore the beliefs and patterns that might be getting in the way, and find practical, embodied ways to reconnect with your sexuality.
This work is about understanding yourself more deeply and creating a relationship with your sexuality that feels pleasurable, connected and genuinely yours.
Not sure where to begin?
I offer a free 45-minute online Discovery Call. It's an opportunity for us to talk about what's happening, what you're longing for and whether working together might be supportive.
Book your free Discovery Call here
No pressure. No judgement. Just a conversation about you, your sexuality and what's possible.
Love,
Sabina x
About Sabina Wilde
Sabina Wilde is a Certified Somatic Sexologist, 500-hour Certified Integrative Sex Coach & Educator, holding a Bachelor of Health Sciences (Psychology + Disability) and a Master of Teaching. Sabina specialises in helping women reconnect with their bodies, desires, pleasure, and authentic selves through a trauma-informed, body-centred approach. Drawing from psychology, embodiment practices, nervous system education, and intimacy coaching, her work supports women to move beyond shame, numbness, burnout, and self-abandonment into deeper self-trust, aliveness, and connection. She is the founder of the Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collective and offers 1:1 online coaching, women's circles and workshops around the world.