A few weeks ago, I wrote about how it feels to be the woman who wants sex more than her partner. The loneliness, the rejection, the questioning of yourself, and the difficult feelings that can arise when you're longing for intimacy with someone who doesn't seem to want it in the same way you do.
But there's another layer to this conversation that I want to explore today, because I think it helps explain why the absence of sex can be so painful.
What is it that you actually want, when you want sex?
It sounds like such a simple question, but the answer can tell us soooooooo much about our sexuality, our relationships and what we're yearning for when we reach for another person.
In Come Together, sex educator Emily Nagoski, explores four common motivations for wanting sex: connection, shared pleasure, being wanted, and freedom.
We might want sex because we want to feel close to someone. We might want to experience shared pleasure, enjoying our bodies and the experience of giving and receiving pleasure together. We might want to feel desired, to know that our partner wants us and is excited to be with us. Or we might want the freedom sex can offer, a chance to let go of our responsibilities, quiet our minds and become immersed in the experience.
We can experience all four motivations, and what we want can change depending on the person, the circumstances and the season of life we're in.
Have you ever stopped to consider which of these things matters most to you?
Because if you understand what you're really looking for when you want sex, you might begin to understand why you're feeling the way you do in your sexual relationship, particularly if you're not getting the intimacy you long for.
When What You Want Is to Feel Desired
For me, feeling desired is a really, really important part of sex.
I don't just mean wanting to have a pleasurable physical experience with another person. I mean wanting to feel that someone wants me. That they're attracted to me, that want to be close to me, that they’re chosing me. That they want me. And ultimately, that I am fuckable. Vulgar right? But honest too.
There's something about knowing that your partner wants to be with you that can feel incredibly affirming. It's in the anticipation, the initiation, the feeling of being chosen. It's knowing that they desire you, and that it’s not coming from a place of duty, obligation or god forbid, guilt.
And this is where things can become particularly painful when you're in a relationship with someone who has a lower desire for sex than you do.
If one of your main motivations for sex is to feel desired, what happens when your partner doesn't seem to want sex with you anymore?
You can begin to experience a very particular kind of hurt. It's not simply that you're missing sex. You're missing the feeling of being wanted, chosen, cherished.
You might miss your partner initiating, reaching for you, flirting with you or expressing that they're attracted to you. You might start questioning whether they still find you desirable, even when you know there are other explanations for their lower libido. You might find yourself craving that feeling of being wanted while simultaneously becoming more reluctant to initiate, because the possibility of rejection feels too painful.
And if this goes on for months or years, it can begin to affect how you see yourself, how you feel in your body and how you experience your relationship.
You can understand intellectually that your partner's lower desire might be connected to stress, exhaustion, mental health, medication, relationship difficulties or any number of other factors. You can love them, empathise with what they're going through and recognise that their desire isn't necessarily a reflection of your attractiveness.
But that doesn't automatically take away the pain of not feeling desired.
You can understand why something is happening and still be hurting because of it.
I think this is such an important distinction, particularly for women who have spent a long time trying to be understanding, patient and accommodating, sometimes at the expense of acknowledging their own needs.
So, if feeling desired is one of the things that makes sex meaningful to you, it makes sense that its absence would have an impact.
Why Not Having Sex Can Affect So Much More Than Your Sex Life
When we understand what we're actually looking for through sex, we can begin to make sense of why a lack of intimacy can affect our relationships so profoundly.
If connection is important to you, you might miss the closeness that comes from sharing an intimate experience with your partner. You can spend every evening together, share a home and talk about your day, but still feel that something is missing.
If shared pleasure is what you're longing for, you might miss having a space where you can explore, play, laugh, touch and enjoy each other's bodies. It's not necessarily about orgasm or a particular sexual activity. It's about experiencing pleasure together.
If freedom is one of your main motivations, sex might be a place where you get to stop being the person who manages everything. You can let go of your to-do list, your responsibilities and the constant mental chatter. You can inhabit your body and experience something different from the demands of everyday life.
And if being wanted is what you long for, the absence of sex can feel like the absence of an important expression of desire and even your purpose as a woman (controversial take).
These experiences can overlap. You might miss all four. But recognising what you're *actually* longing for can help you understand why the lack of intimacy is affecting you in the way it is.
It can also help you explain your experience to your partner more clearly.
Instead of only saying, "I wish we had more sex," you might discover that what you're really trying to communicate is, "I miss feeling wanted by you," or "I miss the closeness we used to share," or "I miss having a space where we can let go and enjoy each other."
Those are different conversations. And sometimes, understanding what sits underneath the desire for sex gives you a much clearer place to begin.
Of course, understanding your motivations doesn't mean your partner owes you sex, or that they must experience desire in the same way you do. Their needs and boundaries matter just as much as yours. But both of you deserve the opportunity to talk honestly about what intimacy means to you and whether there's a way to create an experience that feels good and wanted by both of you.
What Are You Really Longing For?
I'd invite you to spend a little time exploring what sex actually gives you, rather than focusing only on how often you're having it.
Here are some questions to sit with:
When I want sex, what am I really longing for?
What do I love about sex when it's good for me?
What do I miss most when I'm not having the sex I want?
Do I miss pleasure, connection, feeling desired, freedom, or something else entirely?
What does feeling desired look like for me? Is it initiation, flirting, anticipation, physical affection, words, or something different?
Have I communicated what I'm actually longing for, or have I only talked about how often I'd like to have sex?
What might sex mean to my partner, and how might that differ from what it means to me?
You might be surprised by what comes up when you give yourself permission to answer these questions honestly.
Perhaps you discover that you don't necessarily want more sex in the abstract. You want to feel pursued. You want to know that your partner is excited to be with you. Perhaps you miss the playfulness, the anticipation or the feeling of being connected to your own body.
Or perhaps you discover that sex has become the only place where you feel close to your partner, and what you're really longing for is more connection throughout your relationship.
There's no right or wrong answer. The point is to get curious about yourself rather than judge what you find.
Becoming Your Own Lover
This brings me to something I care so deeply about in my work, helping women develop a relationship with themselves that feels pleasurable, connected and alive.
We can explore what pleasure feels like without pressure to perform, reconnect with our bodies, get curious about our desires, and create moments of freedom where we can put down our responsibilities and simply be with ourselves.
And if feeling desired is important to you, I want to acknowledge that being wanted by your partner is a relational experience. You can't manufacture someone else's desire, and building a relationship with yourself doesn't mean pretending you don't want that connection either.
But you can explore your own sensuality, become more present in your body, and experience pleasure without making your sexuality entirely dependent on whether someone else initiates or desires you first. It’s a game changer.
This is why I created Become Your Own Lover, my monthly, fully clothed and non-sexual embodiment session. I guide you through practices to slow down, reconnect with your body, release tension and notice what you need to feel more open to pleasure.
Become Your Own Lover — join the next live session
You can want more intimacy in your relationship while still cultivating a rich, pleasurable relationship with yourself. You don't have to abandon yourself while you wait for something important to change. Become your own lover.
You don't have to figure this out alone
If you've recognised yourself in this article, perhaps you've spent months or years trying to understand your partner's lack of desire, wondering whether you're asking for too much, or trying to work out how to honour your own needs without putting pressure on someone you love.
You don't have to keep carrying those questions on your own.
I'm Sabina Wilde, Somatic Sexologist & Integrative Sex Coach who helps women reclaim the sex life they deserve.
In our work together, we can explore how repeated rejection has affected your confidence, what you genuinely need (and want) from intimacy, how to communicate those needs, and how to reconnect with your own sexuality without making yourself smaller to keep the peace.
This work is about understanding yourself, finding clarity around what you need, and deciding what a more fulfilling relationship with intimacy could look like for you.
Not sure where to begin?
Free Discovery Call · 45 minutes · Online
Let's explore where you're at, what you're longing for, and whether working together could be the next right next step for you.
No pressure. No judgement. Just a supportive conversation about what's possible for you.
About Sabina Wilde
Sabina Wilde is a Certified Somatic Sexologist, 500-hour Certified Integrative Sex Coach & Educator, holding a Bachelor of Health Sciences (Psychology + Disability) and a Master of Teaching. Sabina specialises in helping women reconnect with their bodies, desires, pleasure, and authentic selves through a trauma-informed, body-centred approach. Drawing from psychology, embodiment practices, nervous system education, and intimacy coaching, her work supports women to move beyond shame, numbness, burnout, and self-abandonment into deeper self-trust, aliveness, and connection. She is the founder of the Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collective and offers 1:1 online coaching, women's circles and workshops around the world.