What Do You Want When You Want Sex? 4 Reasons
My husband and I recently sat down together to read Come Together, the book by sex educator Emily Nagoski, who also wrote my go to sex guide, Come As You Are.
The book explores a question that sounds deceptively simple, how do we create a satisfying sex life that lasts, particularly when we're in a long-term relationship and life inevitably gets in the way?
After spending a year writing Come As Your Are and and travelling around the country to talk about her work, Emily Nagoski returned home and discovered she had no desire for sex whatsoever. It prompted her to explore what helps couples sustain a satisfying sex life with the same partner over time.
Early in the book, she asks a question that really stuck with me: What is it that you want when you want sex?
How often do we stop to ask ourselves that? We talk about how often we're having sex, whether our desire is high or low, or why we might not want sex anymore. But how often do we explore what we're actually looking for when we want it?
So we took some time to answer the question: What is it that you want when you want sex?
Unsurprisingly, it led to a pretty interesting conversation.
We both shared that we want connection when we want sex, but feeling desired, feeling wanted by my partner, was a particularly important motivation for me. For my husband, emotional intimacy and closeness were much more central to what he wanted from sex.
Neither of us was right or wrong. We simply had different motivations, even though we were talking about the same thing.
It got me thinking about how much these differences can influence our sex lives, especially when we don't understand what the other person is looking for.
In Come Together, Emily explores four common motivations for sex: connection, shared pleasure, feeling desired, and freedom.
You might recognise yourself in all four, or find that one matters more than the others. Understanding your motivations can help you communicate what you want, make sense of sexual disconnection and discover what makes sex satisfying for you.
1. Connection: I Want to Feel Close to You
For some people, sex is a way of feeling close to their partner. It's an opportunity to connect emotionally and physically, to be vulnerable and share an intimate experience that feels different from everyday life.
You might spend plenty of time together, talking about work, managing responsibilities and getting through the practicalities of life, but still miss that feeling of being truly connected.
Sex can create space to slow down and be present with each other.
But differences in how we experience connection can also create misunderstandings. One partner might reach for sex because they're longing to feel close, while the other needs to feel emotionally connected before sex feels appealing. This can be especially relevant if they experience responsive desire, where the desire for sex emerges in response to arousal, pleasurable touch or the right context, rather than appearing spontaneously. I've written more about responsive desire here if you'd like to understand it better.
Questions to explore:
When I want sex, am I longing to feel closer to my partner?
What helps me feel emotionally connected, both inside and outside the bedroom?
2. Shared Pleasure: I Want Us to Enjoy This Together
Another motivation is mutual pleasure. It's about enjoying each other's bodies, discovering what feels good, being curious, playing and sharing an experience that feels pleasurable for both people (not just about climaxing).
Many of us have learned to approach sex through expectations and performance. We might focus on whether we're doing things right, whether our partner is enjoying themselves, or whether we're reaching a particular outcome.
In the process, we can lose touch with our own pleasure.
Shared pleasure invites us to become curious about what feels good for each person, without the pressure to perform or achieve a particular result. Both people's experiences matter.
Questions to explore:
What do I genuinely enjoy about sex?
Do I feel comfortable expressing what I like and exploring what feels good for both of us?
3. Being Wanted: I Want to Feel Desired by You
For some of us, feeling desired is a particularly important part of wanting sex.
It's about knowing that someone wants to be with you, that they're attracted to you and excited to share an intimate experience with you. It might be the anticipation of being kissed, the thrill of your partner initiating, the flirtation that builds throughout the day, or simply the feeling of being chosen.
When this is one of your main motivations, a lack of desire from your partner can be particularly painful.
You might understand that they're stressed, exhausted or navigating something difficult. You might know their lower libido isn't necessarily a reflection of your attractiveness. But when you repeatedly reach for someone who doesn't seem to want the same thing, it's easy to start questioning yourself.
You might miss the sex, but you might also miss feeling wanted.
This is something I explored in my recent article, When You Want Sex But Your Partner Doesn't, where I look at the emotional toll of being the partner who wants more sex.
Wanting to feel desired isn't shallow or needy. If it's an important part of what sex means to you, it makes sense that its absence would affect you.
Of course, desire can't be demanded or manufactured. But understanding what helps you feel wanted can open up a more honest conversation about intimacy and how you and your partner express desire.
Questions to explore:
What makes me feel genuinely desired by my partner?
How does it affect me when I don't feel wanted, and have I communicated what I need?
4. Freedom: I Want to Let Go
For some people, sex offers an opportunity to step away from the demands of everyday life. It's a chance to get out of their heads, quiet the mental chatter and become immersed in their bodies.
Think about how much of your day might be spent organising, planning, remembering and taking care of things. Even when you're resting, your mind might still be working through tomorrow's to-do list.
When sex feels safe, wanted and enjoyable, it can offer a different experience. You can put down your responsibilities for a while and simply be present with yourself and another person.
But if you're distracted, worried about how you look or concerned about performing, it can be difficult to let go.
If freedom is one of the things you seek through sex, you might find yourself missing that sense of release when your sexual life changes.
Questions to explore:
Does sex help me let go of everyday responsibilities and expectations?
What helps me get out of my head and into my body?
What Happens When You and Your Partner Want Different Things From Sex?
Imagine that you primarily want sex because it helps you feel desired. You miss your partner initiating, flirting with you and expressing their attraction. Your partner, meanwhile, might experience sex mainly as a way to connect once you're already together.
They might genuinely enjoy being intimate with you but not understand why the lack of initiation hurts so much. From their perspective, the connection is still there. From yours, you're missing an important experience of being wanted.
Or perhaps one partner seeks freedom through sex, while the other needs emotional connection before they can relax into the experience.
When you don't understand these differences, it's easy to get stuck arguing about how often you're having sex without exploring what each person is actually missing.
You might both want a more satisfying sex life but have very different ideas about what that would look like.
Understanding these differences doesn't mean you have to share the same motivations, or that anyone should have sex they don't want. It means becoming curious about what sex means to each of you and finding ways to create intimacy that feel good and wanted by both people.
Sometimes, that conversation reveals possibilities you hadn't considered. Other times, it helps you recognise a difference in your needs that deserves more attention.
Either way, it's a much more useful starting point than assuming you already know what your partner wants.
So, What Do YouWant When You Want Sex?
I'd love you to take a little time to reflect on this question.
You might recognise yourself in all four motivations, or find that one is particularly important for you. What you want can also change depending on your partner, your circumstances and what's happening in your life.
Try asking yourself:
What am I really longing for when I want sex?
What do I miss most when I'm not having the sex I want?
What does sex give me that I might be missing elsewhere in my life?
If my partner understood what I was really longing for, what would I want them to know?
You might discover that you're longing for a particular kind of closeness, the feeling of being wanted, the pleasure of exploring your body, or the freedom to step away from everyday life.
Or perhaps you've been so focused on whether you're having enough sex that you haven't stopped to ask whether the sex you're having is giving you the experience you actually want.
That awareness can help you communicate differently with your partner, explore your own pleasure, or recognise where you'd like something to change.
Because understanding your sexuality isn't just about knowing whether you want sex. It's about understanding what you're longing to experience.
Want to Explore Your Pleasure More Deeply?
If this article has made you curious about your relationship with pleasure, my live embodiment session, Become Your Own Lover, is an invitation to slow down, reconnect with your body and explore what feels good for you.
And if you're navigating questions about desire, intimacy or your relationship with sex, you can book a free Discovery Call to explore what you're experiencing and whether working together might be right for you.
I'd love to hear from you: when you want sex, what is it that you're really wanting?
