You’re Not Asking for Too Much: Wanting More Intimacy, Sex & Aliveness as a Woman.

My parents like to joke that my second word was “more.”

And honestly, I can believe that.

For most of my life, I’ve been accused of wanting more. Of never being satisfied. Of always believing there must be something beyond the obvious, the safe, the comfortable.

More than the nine-to-five grind.
More than sitting on the couch binge-watching Netflix, eating ice cream, and quietly gaining ten kilos a year.
More than catching up with the same friends, having the same conversations, telling the same stories on repeat.

More than living in suburbia surrounded by aged care homes, where everyone seems to be waiting to die (yes, that’s my current reality).

Yes, it’s comfortable.
Yes, the crime rt
Yes, it’s stable.
But where is the life?

Comfort is not neutral.
Comfort can be a killer.

Why Comfort Kills Desire, Intimacy & Sexual Aliveness

So many of us live such stressful lives that comfort becomes the thing we chase above all else.

We tell ourselves it’s what our bodies need.
What our nervous systems need.
What will finally make us feel safe.

So we make choices based on comfort. We stay. We settle. We soften our edges. We quiet the hunger inside us.

But comfort is not where growth happens.

We do not grow from comfort.
We do not seek deeper intimacy from comfort.
We do not experience richer sex, greater connection, or expanded aliveness from a place of comfort.

Growth comes from hunger.

Wanting more is hunger. It is life force. It is the part of you that knows there is more to taste, more to feel, more to experience, more to become.

And yet, for so many women, that hunger is wrapped in shame.

Wanting More Is Not Greed. It’s Desire and Life Force

For much of my life, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me for wanting more, especially as a woman, a belief shaped by deep religious conditioning that I wrote about more fully in I Spent 20 Years Wishing I Wasn’t a Woman.

Words like “covet” were used anytime we wanted more.

Do not covet your neighbour’s life.
Do not want what someone else has.
Be grateful. Be content. Be satisfied.

So wanting more became something to feel ashamed of. Wanting more meant what you already had was not enough and suggested that desire itself was a moral failure.

But wanting what others have is one of the most human experiences there is. We notice something that looks alive, connected, expansive, and our body responds.

That response is not greed.
It is information.

Nowhere does this become more painful than inside a relationship.

When you want more connection.
More intimacy.
More sex.
More depth.
More adventure.

When you sense that what you are living is not the full expression of what love, partnership, and intimacy could be.

And when you voice that, you are told you want too much.

Why Women Are Shamed for Wanting More in Relationships

I will never forget the 14th of February, 2020.

Valentine’s Day.

It should have been special. I met my (ex) husband on the 14th of February in 2014. This was our seventh Valentine’s Day together and we had been married just over a year.

We went out for dinner like we always did. We finished early, around 7:30pm. It was summer. Warm. Balmy.

I said, “Why don’t we go for a drink? It’s still early.”

I wanted to extend the night. To stay in the feeling. To celebrate us.

He looked at me and said, “you always want more.”

I remember going quiet and immediately turning that statement inward:
Maybe I am too much.
Maybe I am being unreasonable.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
May he is embarrassed to be seen with me…

I had dressed up. I felt beautiful. I felt open. I felt available.

And suddenly I felt ashamed. Embarrassed. Hurt. Confused.

Ashamed for wanting more time. Ashamed for asking for too much.

Instead of asking what was going on for him, I asked what was wrong with me.

We went home.

Sometimes Wanting More Isn’t About Fixing the Relationship

Five months later, I discovered that my husband had been cheating. That he was gay. That he had been talking to men in secret.

And when I looked back at the date, my stomach dropped.

February 14th.

The night he accused me of wanting more was the night he was rushing home so he could speak to another man on Bumble in secret.

The shame had never been mine.

My desire had never been the problem.

I was asking for more intimacy from someone who could not give it to me.

And instead of owning that, he shamed me for wanting. I share more about discovering my husband was gay and how it lead me to finding a sex coach as I pieced back my life in How Losing Everything Helped me Find Myself.

This is a pattern I see again and again in my work as an intimacy coach for women.

Women pathologising their desire.
Women shrinking their needs.
Women believing they are asking for too much when they are actually asking the wrong person.

Reclaiming the Word “More”

I want to reclaim the word more.

And if it helps, I want to give you permission to reclaim it too.

It is okay to want more from your life.

More connection with yourself.
More dancing.
More deep conversations.
More intimacy with your partner.
More sex that feels alive and mutual and nourishing.
More adventure.
More beauty.
More pleasure.
More presence.

Wanting more is not a character flaw.

It is your life force speaking.

When we disconnect from our hunger, we disconnect from ourselves.

When Wanting More Reveals the Truth About your Relationship

Sometimes wanting more is not about fixing your relationship.

Sometimes it is about seeing it clearly for what it is.

I know what it is like to wake up one day and realise that the emptiness was never because you were too demanding, too hungry, too much.

In my case, I was partnered with someone who could not meet me in the ways I needed emotionally, sexually, or relationally.

And I needed support to see that.

That is why I found a sex coach. Because I could not untangle it alone.

Why I See This Pattern Again and Again as an Intimacy Coach for Women

So many women come to intimacy coaching feeling ashamed for wanting more intimacy.

More sex.
More closeness.
More emotional availability.
More aliveness.

They say things like:
“We have a really good marriage, he’s my best friend, but something is missing.”
“He’s a really good man but…”
“Am I asking for too much?”

As a sex coach for women and an online intimacy coach, I can tell you this with certainty:

Wanting more is not the problem.

Silencing yourself is.

I’ve learned that honouring desire doesn’t always mean forcing action. Sometimes it means pausing, listening, and letting intimacy rebuild in a way that feels safe, something I explore deeply in why I chose a season of celibacy with my husband.

Sometimes it’s learning to connect with your own desires. What do you want? Who are you as a sensual and sexual being?

Reclaiming Desire, Wanting More & the Right to Ask

If you are reading this and something in your body is stirring, I want you to hear this clearly.
You are not too much.
Your desire is not wrong.
Your hunger is not shameful.

Wanting more from life, from love, from intimacy, from sex is deeply healthy. It is your life force asking to be honoured.
And you do not have to navigate that alone.

For the Woman Ready to Come Home to Her Body, Reclaim Her Eros & Befriend Her Soul

If you feel the pull to reconnect with your body, soften into your femininity, and experience the kind of healing that comes from being deeply witnessed, I invite you to join The Wonderfully Wilde Women’s Circle, a monthly online gathering opening in 2026.
Join the Wait List

If you’d like to explore deeper one-on-one support, you can learn more about Online Sex Coaching for Women here.

And if you want embodiment practices, rituals, meditations, and stories of feminine reclamation, you can explore the full Sabina Wilde Blog here.

With wilde tenderness,
Sabina Wilde xx