Why Do I Feel Numb During Sex? How to Reconnect With Your Body and Pleasure
If you had asked me how I was feeling ten years ago, I could have talked for hours. I could analyse my relationships, explain why I reacted the way I did, unpack childhood experiences, quote psychology research, and probably tell you exactly what I thought was happening inside my own mind.
But if you had asked me what I was feeling in my body, I honestly had no idea.
I was completely numb.
From the outside, I looked like I was functioning perfectly well. I had beautiful friends, a loving husband, I was teaching, and doing all the things a capable, high-achieving woman is supposed to do. What I couldn't do very well was feel. At least, not in the way I understand feeling today.
If something difficult happened, I analysed it. If I felt overwhelmed, I became more productive. If I was uncomfortable, I pushed through. Somewhere along the way, I had become incredibly good at living from the neck up.
At the time, I assumed this was simply my personality. I thought I was someone who preferred logic to feeling. It wasn't until I discovered my husband was gay that everything I'd spent years holding at arm's length came rushing in. At the same time, I'd chosen to stop drinking, and for the first time in my adult life there was nothing standing between me and my emotions. The grief of losing my marriage became the beginning of a healing journey that taught me what it actually meant to inhabit my own body. If you'd like to read more about that chapter of my story, you can read it here.
One of the greatest gifts of becoming an Integrative Sex Coach has been discovering that many women haven't lost touch with their bodies because something is wrong with them. More often than not, their bodies have simply become incredibly good at protecting them.
Sometimes that protection develops after trauma. Sometimes it grows after years of people pleasing, perfectionism, chronic stress, grief, or constantly putting everybody else's needs before our own. Whatever the reason, the result often looks remarkably similar. We become disconnected from ourselves, and when that happens, we gradually lose access to one of the greatest gifts of being human.
Our capacity to feel.
To experience joy, grief, love, pleasure, awe, sadness, hope, and everything in between. To be fully present for our own lives instead of simply moving on autopilot through them.
That disconnection doesn't only affect our emotional lives, it often finds its way into our relationships, our creativity, our intuition, our ability to experience pleasure, and yes, often our sex lives.
Many women have shared with me that they feel numb during sex, or as though they are watching themselves from the outside rather than fully participating in what is happening. Others tell me they don't necessarily feel numb during intimacy, but they feel disconnected from their bodies throughout the day and struggle to access pleasure at all. They ignore hunger, push through exhaustion, override discomfort, and can't remember the last time they stopped long enough to ask themselves one very simple question:
How do I actually feel right now, in this moment?
For a long time, I thought this was simply part of being a busy adult woman.
Now I see it as one of the greatest costs of modern life.
We spend so much of our lives thinking, planning, producing, achieving, and caring for others that we slowly lose fluency in the language of our own bodies. We stop noticing the quiet signals long before they become loud enough to demand our attention. We become experts in everyone else's needs while becoming strangers to our own.
One of my teachers, Michaela Boehm, often speaks about the difference between what she calls "go mode" and "flow mode." I remember hearing her explain this during my training and feeling as though someone had described my entire life.
Go mode is where most modern women spend their time. It is the part of us that plans, organises, solves problems, meets deadlines, responds to emails, manages households, remembers birthdays, anticipates everyone else's needs, and keeps life moving. There is absolutely nothing wrong with go mode. We need go mode.
The problem is that many women rarely ever leave it.
Flow feels very different. It is the place where creativity lives. Pleasure lives there too. Curiosity. Play. Rest. Intuition. Connection. It is the part of us that notices the warmth of sunshine on our skin, the smell of fresh coffee, the sensation of water running over our hands, or the simple joy that arrives when we stop trying to be productive for just a little while and recognise our own aliveness.
When we spend too long in go mode, we stop noticing tension until it becomes pain. We stop noticing tiredness until we burn out. We stop noticing grief until it becomes numbness. And sometimes we can’t access pleasure altogether.
If life has taught us that the safest way to survive is to keep moving, keep performing, or keep thinking, our bodies adapt accordingly. They become efficient, protective, and incredibly reliable.
But protection often comes at a cost.
The same nervous system that learns to protect us from overwhelming emotions can also make it harder to access joy, pleasure, sensuality, spontaneity, deep connection and aliveness.
During my training as an Integrative Sex Coach, one practice changed that relationship with my body more than anything else I've ever tried. It wasn't complicated. It didn't require expensive equipment or hours of meditation. It simply invited me back into relationship with myself.
The practice is called Move What You're Feeling™, and it has become the single most valuable tool in my nervous system, emotional wellbeing, and intimacy toolkit.
Before I show you how it works, I'd love you to pause for a moment and see whether you recognise yourself in any of the experiences below.
7 Signs You Might Be Living From the Neck Up
As I began learning about embodiment, I started noticing just how often I was overriding my body without even realising it. None of these habits felt particularly dramatic at the time. In fact, most of them looked exactly like what our culture celebrates. Being productive. Being reliable. Being resilient. Being the woman who could always keep going...
…yet the more I paid attention, the more I realised that disconnection doesn't usually happen all at once. It happens quietly, through hundreds of tiny moments where we stop listening to ourselves.
As you read through these, notice if any feel familiar.
☐ You know exactly what you're thinking, but struggle to describe what you're feeling.
☐ You often push through hunger, exhaustion or needing a break because there are more important things to do.
☐ You spend more time analysing your emotions than actually experiencing them.
☐ During sex, you notice yourself thinking, worrying or observing rather than feeling.
☐ You find it difficult to experience pleasure without feeling guilty or needing to be productive first.
☐ You ignore the little signals your body gives you until they become impossible to ignore.
☐ You can't remember the last time you simply moved your body because it felt good.
If you found yourself nodding along to several of these, please know that you're not alone.
The Embodiment Practice That Changed Everything For Me
During my Integrative Sex Coaching training, I was introduced to a deceptively simple embodiment practice created by Relationship Expert, Michaela Boehm, called Move What You're Feeling™.
When I first heard the instructions, I remember thinking, surely it can't be this simple.
Stand.
Close your eyes.
Notice what you're feeling.
Let your body move in response.
That was pretty much it.
There wasn't a sequence to memorise or a choreography to learn. Nobody was asking me to dance beautifully or move in a way that looked graceful. In fact, one of the things Michaela emphasises is that this isn't dancing at all. It's a conversation with your own body.
That distinction changed everything for me. For so much of my life, I had approached my body as something to improve, discipline or manage. Suddenly, I was being invited to just be with what is even if that was discomfort, anger, frustration. She asked us questions like:
What does stress feel like in my body?
What does joy feel like?
What does fatigue feel like?
What does excitement feel like?
What does numbness feel like?
And perhaps the most surprising discovery of all was that numbness had a feeling too.
I think many of us imagine numbness as the absence of sensation, but when I slowed down enough to pay attention, I realised it had its own texture. Sometimes it felt heavy. Sometimes foggy. Sometimes almost like my body was waiting patiently for me to notice it.
That changed the way I thought about connecting with my body.
Instead of trying to force myself to feel more, I simply began meeting whatever was already there.
Some mornings that meant moving anxiety. Some days it meant moving frustration. Occasionally it meant moving joy. And some days, all I could move with was numbness itself. Every experience was welcome. There was nothing to get right. No emotion was considered better than another.
The practice wasn't asking me to become happier. It was teaching me to be able to hold more capacity for all feelings and sensations.
Looking back, I think that is one of the greatest gifts embodiment has given me.
For years, I thought healing meant becoming a different person. Now I think it ends with becoming more deeply ourselves.
Try It for Yourself: A Simple Move What You're Feeling™ Practice
If you've been feeling numb during sex or disconnected from your body more generally, this practice offers a gentle place to begin. Rather than trying to force yourself to feel more, the invitation is simply to become curious about what is already here. You may be surprised by what happens when your body is finally given the time and space to be heard.
Choose one songthat feels supportive. It doesn't need to be calming or uplifting. There isn't a perfect piece of music for this practice. Simply choose something that gives you enough space to be with yourself (ideally one without lyrics and that isn’t familiar to you).
Find somewhere you won't be interrupted for the next few minutes. Stand with your feet about hip-width apart and soften your knees slightly. Feel the ground beneath your feet and allow your body to settle. If it feels comfortable, close your eyes or simply lower your gaze.
Before the music begins, take one slow breath and gently ask yourself:
"What is the loudest sensation or feeling in my body in this moment?"
Notice whatever is present without trying to change it. You might become aware of tension in your shoulders, butterflies in your stomach, a heavy chest, a busy mind, or perhaps very little at all. There is no right answer. Whatever you notice is the perfect place to begin.
As the music starts, allow your body to respond to what you're experiencing. If your shoulders want to roll, let them roll. If your body wants to sway, stretch, shake, reach, curl up, or become completely still, trust that. There is no choreography to follow and nothing to perform. This isn't about dancing beautifully. It's about allowing your internal experience to have an external expression.
If your experience changes as you move, let your movement change too. Stress may soften into sadness. Restlessness might become relief. Joy may appear unexpectedly. Numbness may remain. Whatever arises, welcome it with curiosity rather than judgment.
When the song finishes, don't rush back into your day. Stand quietly for a moment and simply notice whether anything feels different. Then place one or both hands somewhere on your body that feels like it would appreciate a some loving kindness. Take another slow breath and thank your body for sharing whatever it was ready to share today.
You might like to spend a few minutes journaling afterwards. Here are a few gentle questions to explore:
What did I notice in my body?
What surprised me?
What felt easy?
What felt uncomfortable?
If my body could speak, what might she be trying to tell me today?
Join Me Live: Come Home to Your Body
On Sunday 26 July, I'm hosting a free 45minute online Come Home to Your Body session, where I'll gently guide you through the Move What You're Feeling™ practice that has transformed my own relationship with my body.
This simple practice has become one of the deepest acts of self-love I know. It has helped me move through grief, stress, uncertainty, and some of the most joyful seasons of my life. More than anything, it has helped me build a relationship with my body based on curiosity, trust, and compassion rather than criticism or performance.
Together we'll spend an hour slowing down, listening to our bodies, moving with whatever is present, and finishing with time for journaling and reflection. My intention is that you'll leave feeling a little more connected to yourself, a little more present in your body, and perhaps with a new way of relating to your emotions, your pleasure, and your inner world.
Remember, this isn’t a dance class, it a simply moving with what is. So you absolutely don't need to know how to dance. You don't need to have any experience at all with embodiment or movement practices. And you don't even need to know what you're feeling either. You just need to come and simply be with what is alive for you.
My promise to you, is that by the end of our time together, you'll leave with something far more valuable than another generic self-help technique, you'll leave feeling more connected and at home in your own body.
Whether you've been feeling numb during sex, disconnected from your body, or simply longing to feel a little more alive, I'd be honoured to share this practice with you.
Join Me Live
Come Home to Your Body
Sunday 26 July
7:00 pm (Sydney, AEST)
Vietnam (ICT): 4:00 pm
Singapore / Malaysia: 5:00 pm
New Zealand (NZST): 9:00 pm
London (BST): 10:00 am
Paris (CEST): 11:00 am
New York (EDT): 5:00 am
Live online via Zoom
Free to attend | Registration essential
If this feels like something your body has been asking for, I'd love to have you join us.
Reserve your free place here.
With wilde tenderness,
Sabina Wilde xx
Ready to Come Home to Yourself?
If you've spent months, or perhaps years, feeling numb and disconnected from yourself, your body, your desire, or your sense of aliveness, I'd love to support you.
Many of the women I work with arrive feeling confused, emotionally exhausted, or quietly convinced that something is wrong with them. Others are navigating heartbreak, divorce, identity shifts, body changes, relationship challenges, or major life transitions that have left them wondering who they are now and what they truly want.
Through my Body • Eros • Soul Framework, I help women rebuild trust in themselves, reconnect with their bodies, explore their desires, and create the conditions where intimacy, pleasure, self-expression, and aliveness can begin to flourish once again.
If you're ready for personalised support, book a FREE 15 minute Clarity Call to explore whether one-on-one online intimacy coaching is the right fit for you.
Looking for Community?
The Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collective is a space for women who want to explore embodiment, pleasure, desire, creativity, feminine reclamation, self-discovery, and meaningful connection alongside other women walking a similar path.
Together, we explore what it means to come home to ourselves and create lives that feel deeply nourishing from the inside out.
Continue Exploring
• What Is Integrative Sex Coaching?
• Online Sex Coaching for Women
• Do I Need a Sex Coach or a Sex Therapist?
About Sabina Wilde
Sabina Wilde is a 500-hour Certified Integrative Sex Coach & Educator, holding a Bachelor of Psychology and a Master of Teaching. She specialises in helping women reconnect with their bodies, desires, pleasure, and authentic selves through a trauma-informed, body-centred approach. Drawing from psychology, embodiment practices, nervous system education, and intimacy coaching, her work supports women to move beyond shame, numbness, burnout, and self-abandonment into deeper self-trust, aliveness, and connection. She is the founder of the Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collective and offers 1:1 online coaching, women's circles and workshops around the world.