Can Stress Kill Your Sex Drive? How Stress Affects Female Desire
I used to proudly wear being stressed like a badge of honour. Looking back now, I can see that I spent years overriding my needs in order to achieve, outperform, feel worthy, and to earn both love and respect. Sadly, this is too common an experience. I know I'm not alone in that.
Before we go any further, I'd love you to pause for a moment and check in with yourself. Have you been feeling disconnected from your desire? Has intimacy begun to feel more like another task to complete instead of something you genuinely look forward to? When you're with your partner, do you ever notice that you're going through the motions rather than feeling fully present? Or perhaps you've simply been wondering what happened to the part of you that once felt playful, spontaneous and alive.
When it comes to sex and stress, the statistics are brutal.
Sexpert, Emily Nagoski, writes in Come As You Are that, "Stress reduces sexual interest in 80 to 90 percent of people and reduces sexual pleasure in everyone" (p. 122).
Every time I read that sentence, I find myself thinking about how normalised stress has become and is it any wonder that in 2026, we’re having the least amount of sex…EVER?
Modern life has caused a sex drought. But is it any wonder?
We celebrate women who somehow manage to juggle careers, relationships, children, ageing parents and the invisible mental load that so often goes unnoticed. We’ve been sold the lie that we can “have it all!”
And we know stress affects our sleep, our mood, our energy and our long-term health, yet, far fewer women have been taught is that stress also changes the way our nervous system experiences pleasure.
Once we understood that, we stop only asking, "What's happened to my libido?" and started asking a much more interesting question.
What if my body isn't struggling with desire, but responding to stress?
Sex and Stress
I need you to understand the difference between a stressor and the stress response. Most of us see stress as just stress and don't think to separate the two. A stressor is the event itself. It might be a looming work deadline, financial pressure, caring for young children, relationship conflict, poor sleep, ageing parents, chronic illness, or simply trying to keep pace with the relentless demands of modern life. Stress is what happens inside your body in response to those experiences. It's your nervous system preparing you to deal with what it perceives as a threat to your safety.
That distinction completely changed the way I understood stress. It helped explain why I could finish the project, send the email, survive the difficult week or finally get everyone through the school holidays, yet still find myself lying awake at night feeling wired, tense or emotionally depleted. The stressor had been resolved, but my body was still carrying the stress.
Nagoski writes, "The key to managing stress (so that it doesn't mess with your sex life) is not simply 'relaxing' or 'calming down.' It's allowing the stress response cycle to complete" (p. 93). When I first read those words, I remember putting the book down for a moment because they challenged everything I thought I knew about stress. I had spent years trying to reduce the number of stressful things in my life, yet I'd never considered whether my nervous system had actually been given the opportunity to complete the stress response itself.
Your Nervous System Doesn't Know You're Just Answering Emails
One of the things I find most comforting about understanding the nervous system is realising that our bodies are doing exactly what they were designed to do. For most of human history, the threats we faced were immediate and physical. Imagine our ancestors coming face to face with a lion. Their heart rate would increase, stress hormones would flood their body, blood would be redirected towards the large muscles in their arms and legs, and every system not essential for survival would temporarily take a back seat. It was an extraordinary biological response that helped keep the human race alive.
Today, most of us aren't running from predators. Our stressors look very different. They're overflowing inboxes, impossible deadlines, financial pressure, endless notifications, difficult conversations with our boss, relationship conflict, caring for aging parents, navigating family dynamics, or carrying the invisible mental load that so many women shoulder every single day.
Although those stressors are very different from a lion, our nervous system doesn't make that distinction. It responds to whatever it perceives as a threat by preparing the body for action. Our heart rate increases, cortisol and adrenaline are released, our muscles tighten, our attention narrows, and our body begins directing its energy towards helping us survive whatever challenge lies in front of us.
From a biological perspective, that's remarkably intelligent.
It also helps explain why desire often becomes more difficult to access during periods of chronic stress. Pleasure asks something very different of the body than survival does. It asks us to soften, to receive, to become curious, playful and present. Those are very different physiological states.
Emily Nagoski writes that, for most people, "the best context for sex is low stress plus highly affectionate plus explicitly erotic" (p. 92). I think that word, context, is one of the most important ideas in the entire conversation about women's sexuality.
The same kiss can feel completely different depending on the day you've had. The same embrace from your partner might feel comforting one evening and overwhelming the next. Nothing about the touch has changed, but the context has. Our bodies are constantly taking in information about whether we feel safe, supported, rested and emotionally available, and they respond accordingly, often long before our conscious mind has caught up.
Why So Many Women Stay Stuck
I think this is where many of us unintentionally make life harder than it needs to be. We become incredibly good at dealing with the stressors in our lives. We solve problems, organise our schedules, pay the bills, respond to the emails, navigate difficult conversations and keep moving. From the outside, it looks like we're coping because the problems are being managed. What often gets overlooked is whether our bodies have actually registered that the stressful event is over.
Emily Nagoski uses a wonderful image to explain this. She writes, "Your bodies still think you're being chased by the lion" (p. 121). I come back to that sentence often because it captures something I see in so many women, myself included. We finish the presentation, leave the difficult meeting, resolve the argument, close the laptop and tick another task off the list, yet our nervous system continues responding as though the danger is still present.
Over time, that constant state of activation begins to shape the way we move through the world. We become accustomed to living with a body that is always slightly braced, always anticipating the next demand, always preparing for what's coming next. When that becomes our normal, it becomes much harder to access the parts of ourselves that flourish in safety. Creativity feels elusive. Playfulness becomes rare. Pleasure fades into the background. And somewhere along the way, many women notice that desire has become much more difficult to access too.
Completing the Stress Cycle
Our bodies are designed to move through stress. A stress response isn't meant to stay switched on indefinitely. Stress, like any good story, has a beginning, a middle and an end. The challenge is that modern life is exceptionally good at activating the beginning of the cycle, while rarely giving us the space to complete it.
For years, I assumed that once the stressful event was over, my body would naturally settle too. Once I'd finished the project, resolved the conflict, sent the email or ticked another task off my list, surely I'd relax. Instead, I'd often find myself lying awake at night with a mind that refused to slow down, even though there was nothing left to do. My body was still carrying the stress long after the moment itself had passed.
That is why simply telling ourselves to "relax" can feel so frustrating and pointless. Our nervous system isn't persuaded by logic alone. It responds to experience. It looks for cues that tell it the danger has passed and that it's safe to let go of the activation it has been carrying.
Physical movement is one of the most effective ways of completing the stress response cycle. Whether that's walking, dancing, stretching or exercising or other practices such as deep breathing, affectionate touch, laughter, crying, creative expression, singing, meditation, journalling and spending time in nature all help communicate the same message to the body: you don't have to stay on high alert anymore you are safe.
Over the years, I've experimented with many of these practices, and I still return to all of them at different times. The one that has become the greatest anchor in my own life, though, is a practice called Move What You're Feeling™, developed by my teacher, Michaela Boehm.
What I love most about this practice is its simplicity. I choose one piece of music, close my eyes and ask myself a single question: What am I aware of in my body right now? Then I allow my body to respond in whatever way feels natural. Some days the movement is expansive and joyful. Other days it's slow, heavy or uncertain. Occasionally I discover I'm carrying sadness that I hadn't recognised until I began to move. At other times, what emerges is relief, gratitude or a quiet sense of peace.
I've come to think of this practice as a daily conversation with my nervous system. Rather than asking my body to ignore what it's carrying, I'm giving it permission to finish what it started. Over time, that has changed far more than my relationship with stress. It has deepened my relationship with my body, expanded my capacity for pleasure, and reminded me what it feels like to be fully present in my own life.
Try It for Yourself
I'd love to invite you to experience this practice for yourself.
One of the things I appreciate most about Move What You're Feeling™ is its simplicity.
Simply choose a piece of music from this playlist (or your own). It doesn't need to be calming or uplifting. In fact, I often recommend instrumental music that isn't overly familiar, simply because it makes it easier to stay connected to your own experience rather than the memories the music might evoke.
Find somewhere you won't be interrupted for a few minutes. Stand comfortably with your feet grounded, soften your knees, and take a slow breath. Before the music begins, gently ask yourself,
"What am I aware of in my body right now?"
Then allow your body to respond in whatever way feels natural. There is no choreography to follow and no right way to move. Some days your body might sway gently. Other days it may want to stretch, shake, curl inwards or become completely still. Every experience is welcome because the practice isn't about performing. It's about listening.
When the music comes to an end, resist the temptation to rush straight back into your day. Give yourself a few quiet moments to notice whether anything has shifted. You might like to place a hand over your heart or somewhere else on your body that feels as though it could use a little kindness before spending a few minutes journalling about your experience.
You might begin with questions like:
What did I notice in my body?
What surprised me?
What felt easy?
What felt uncomfortable?
If my body could speak, what might she be trying to tell me today?
Join Me Live: Come Home to Your Body
If this practice resonates with you, I'd love to invite you to experience it together.
On Sunday 26 July, I'm hosting a free 45 minute online Come Home to Your Body session where I'll gently guide you through the Move What You're Feeling™ practice that has become such an important part of my own life.
Over the past year, this simple ritual has supported me through grief, chronic stress, uncertainty and some of the most joyful seasons I've experienced. More than anything, it has helped me build a relationship with my body based on curiosity, trust and compassion instead of criticism, performance or trying to fix myself.
Together we'll spend an hour slowing down, listening to our bodies, moving with whatever is present, and finishing with gentle journalling and reflection. My hope is that you'll leave feeling a little more connected to yourself, a little more at home in your body, and with a practice you can continue returning to long after our time together.
Please don't let the word movement intimidate you. This isn't a dance class, and there is absolutely nothing to get right. You don't need any previous experience with embodiment, yoga or movement practices.
Join Me Live
Come Home to Your Body
Sunday 26 July
7:00 pm (Sydney, AEST)
Vietnam (ICT): 4:00 pm
Singapore / Malaysia: 5:00 pm
New Zealand (NZST): 9:00 pm
London (BST): 10:00 am
Paris (CEST): 11:00 am
New York (EDT): 5:00 am
Live online via Zoom
Free to attend | Registration essential
If this feels like something your body has been asking for, I'd love to have you join us.
Reserve your free place here.
Ready to Come Home to Yourself?
If this article has stirred something in you, perhaps you've recognised yourself in the stress, the numbness, or the longing to feel more present in your own life, I'd love to support you.
Many of the women I work with arrive believing they need to fix their libido. What we often discover together is something much deeper. Their bodies have been carrying years of stress, people pleasing, grief, perfectionism or self-abandonment, and they're longing for somewhere safe enough to soften.
Through my Body • Eros • Soul framework, I help women rebuild trust in themselves, reconnect with their bodies, explore their desires, and create the conditions where intimacy, pleasure and a genuine sense of aliveness can begin to return.
If you'd like personalised support, book a FREE 15 minute Clarity Call to explore whether one-on-one online intimacy coaching is the right fit for you.
Looking for Community?
If you're longing to explore these ideas alongside other women, The Wonderfully Wilde Women's Collective is a beautiful place to begin.
Together we explore embodiment, pleasure, creativity, feminine reclamation and what it means to come home to ourselves, one gentle step at a time.
With wilde tenderness,
Sabina Wilde xx
